Speed on the Beat Talks The Room - WIRTB Review

So, I guess, as a bad film reviewer, talking The Room is unavoidable.

Often called the "Citizen Kane of bad films," and all that, The Room is a...special film. It's so special that I avoided it. I feel that reviews from folks such as such as Nostalgia Critic, IHE, OSW Review, and Allison Pregler ripped it a new one. So, I didn't need to add my two cents in. I mean, it's a film that many people have seen and shat on. But, I'm going to ask this question: was The Room really that bad? Among the many bad films I've covered, is it really the worst film that I've ever seen?

To start, the Tommy Wiseau flick is fucking horrible. You can NOT watch this film as a straight drama and expect to get through it without needing a drink. I tried back before watching The Room was cool to do and I, as a teenager, began questioning if there was a God and, if so, why would They allow for such fuckery to make its way to fruition. I also cracked open some of Mama Young's Gordon's Gin and damn near finished the bottle. In college, I watched the film stoned out of my mind and had a great time. Either way, you cannot watch this film without being some other kind of lit and expect to make it through alive.

Bruh, this is, in no way, a good film. It's shot horribly, it's acted horribly, and seeing Tommy Wiseau play-fuck someone's belly button is enough nightmare fuel to rival FNAF for someone who doesn't know what to expect. Seriously. If you have a weak stomach, avoid the numerous sex scenes in this turd. I'm not kidding. Seeing Wiseau pretty much go like Shawn Wayans in Don't Be a Menace when he fucked homegirl in the bellybutton and/or asshole is not a pretty sight.

On top of that, everything about this film is ugly. Now, I don't mean that in a "Tommy Wiseau looks like Predator meets Jim Carrey in The Mask" sort of way, even though dude is one odd-looking motherfucker. Now it could be because Wiseau and company didn't know the difference between 35mm and HD and filmed in both. It could be that the cinematographer wasn't all that experienced. Or it could be that the film gods were warning us that this film was shit all around. Either way, like trying to watch this thing sober and as a straight drama, try getting through it without feeling nauseated at how drab and/or washed out everything is. Would it have killed Wiseau to know some editing techniques besides a fucking jump cut?

I haven't even gotten into the story and I'm already dealing with a splitting headache.

The Room follows a knave named Johnny and his psychologically abusive "future wife," Lisa. Lisa wants more excitement in her life. So, instead of getting a puppy, she cheats on Johnny with his best friend, Mark. Despite every warning sign being there, including a later-on pseudo-confession, Johnny is too stupid to catch on that Lisa is fucking around on him until the end of the movie. Ultimately, fed up with this world, Johnny commits suicide.

That's the film in a nutshell. Now, let's crack open this owl pellet of a film. The movie starts off with Johnny coming home, giving Lisa a red dress, and proceeding to put the Wiseau Winkie on her. Between the dress reveal and awkward sex scene one, we're introduced to "teenager" Denny.

Now, I've read that Denny was supposed to be intellectually challenged, hence his lack of social tact. But, the actor playing Denny (on top of being one of the oldest cast members while playing a fucking teenager), he didn't get this information. So, instead of a Lennie-type mentally impaired guy who Johnny treats like a son, we're given a stalker-esque whackjob who looks like he's ready to sexually assault Lisa whenever Johnny isn't around. I'm not kidding. The guy gives off the vibes of a sexually abusive yum yum more than an endearing "slow" dude who doesn't quite have it all figured out in life.

On top of that, he's apparently a drug dealer or something (more on that later).
Denny pokes around and asks weird questions like "how much was your dress, Lisa" before inviting himself to join Johnny and Lisa in coitus. Thankfully, even Wiseau don't play that, and he shoos Denny off. The sex scene that follows is also weird. But, what happens next is where the befuddling begins.

Lisa, while talking with her mom, starts to (out of the blue) bitch about how she hates normal and "boring." All Claudette, Lisa's mom, can muster is "Johnny treats you good and gives you money." Because we all know that money makes relationships work. Not love, not chemistry, but deep wallets. By that logic, Claudette would probably want Lisa to marry Donald Trump, so as long it meant that the seemingly financially inept Lisa would be taken care of.

Afterwards, we're introduced to Johnny's BFF, Mark. Mark is played by the savior of this film (that's not saying shit, though) Greg Sestero. Anywho, Mark and Lisa meet up and talk about how much Lisa hates Johnny. Geez, with friends like these, I'd be fed up with this world, too.

Seriously, guys. His best friend fucks his future wife. His adoptive son is a creeper who WANTS to fuck his wife. Lisa hates Johnny and all that he represents. This so-called nice guy is a fucking doormat and he doesn't seem to notice...or mind. That's one of MANY problems with this movie.

All this and I forgot to mention the crappy green screen...

Another, as seen in the first Lisa/Mark sex scene, is the inappropriate music selections. If you want to paint the sex scene between Lisa and Mark as illicit and dirty, DON'T PLAY SWEET SEXY TIME MUSIC DURING IT. It's like if, during Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, Rebecca broke out into a sappy song about Josh after she just got dicked down by someone else. It, even under the premise of crazy, just doesn't make sense worth a damn. It'd be like, instead of wanting House to win, everyone turned against him and tried to kill him in a series that paints him as the good guy. It's like WWE insisting that Roman Reigns is this super-over babyface.

Goddammit, I picked a doozy. I'm not even 20% of the way through and I'm already questioning if Tommy Wiseau is a moron or a savant. I mean, no one sets out to intentionally make a film this bad and not be in on the joke...right?

After the sex between Mark and Lisa, "Lover Boy" Mark is still all "I can't do this." Newsflash, genius. You just bonked your bestie's chick. You are officially her side dude. You already did it. From here, Johnny tells Lisa that he didn't get his (random as fuck to mention) promotion. How will Lisa console him?

She grabs scotch/cognac and vodka, mixes them together, and forces Johnny, sober good guy, to drink. How? "If you love me, you'll drink with me." Again, we're supposed to cheer for this couple to find their way? Hell, no. I'm hoping that Lisa finds some bleach and pours double shots for her and Johnny.

My brain cells screamed the same thing after watching The Room...

As many times as I've seen this movie, I don't know if I can finish it this time, for real. No one in this film, and I mean no one, is without some sort of fatal flaw. Lisa pretty much beats Johnny down with words and mind tricks. Johnny is too Stockholmed to see that the relationship is doomed. That and he's a fucking patsy. Mark is, apparently, a moral compass. A moral compass who still goes and plows his best friend's wife, but someone we should be rooting for, even though the film shows he's a POS, too. Hell, even Denny is a nutcase. Nothing about this film or its characters seems believable, much less sympathetic.

No one in this film, aside from, MAYBE, Claudette has even a bit of sympathy from me. And that's only because dumbass Claudette, with her money squabbles with her brother(?), has cancer and she's too stupid/parrotty to make any real impact on Lisa, the massive bitch, she. Seriously, count how many times Lisa throws massive shade at her mother's competency at being anything other than a "super bitch" who wants to ruin Lisa's life, even though she's the one who's ruining things because of her trysts with "You're my best friend" Mark.

You know what? I've been biting my tongue. This movie, even though it's so bad, it's great, it's fucking frustrating. Plot lines jump around like Johnny and Mark's sperm probably jump around in Lisa's babymaker. Characters disappear and reappear for no reason. No one is likable. The story jumps around just as much as plot lines do. Wiseau enters into a Super Saiyan God mode of what-the-fuckery. And, there are plot points that make no sense whatsoever.

For instance, Johnny, in 2003, uses a tape recorder to record all the phone calls that come into his house to catch Lisa in the act. A tape recorder. With one 45-minute tape. That doesn't even LOOK like it recorded anything, but through the magic of Wiseau, knows everything.

I haven't even talked about the gun that Johnny uses to blow his brains out in the end. It's a gun he Citizen Arrested off of the drug dealer who was about to smoke Denny. Read that again. Johnny and Mark Citizen Arrested someone for terrorizing Denny. But, instead of turning the gun in WITH the nogoodnik, he keeps it because, you know, foreshadowing (j/k. Wiseau, in this movie, knows nothing about keeping things subtle. This film surpasses Tyler Perry in terms of its ham-fisted messages and "lessons."

But, as much as I hate The Room's stupidity, I love it just as much. It's legitimately a masterpiece in how shoddy and unkempt it is as a film. People don't go into a film like this without knowing they're fucking bonkers for putting it together. I'd like to hope so, anyways. But, considering the things that Sestero has said in his book, Wiseau may've legit thought this was going to win an Oscar. Figuring out peoples' thoughts can be a tricky thing, if we're being honest.

For the same reasons I've ragged on The Room, I've got to say something. It's good. That is, if you watch it the right way. As I said earlier, you can't take this film seriously. Look at it as some sort of black comedy and you're in for tons of fun. Look at it like it was originally conceived and you're fucked in the A to high holy heaven.

So, final verdict time. Is The Room really that bad? Oh, fuck, yes. Is it the worst film I've ever sat through? Eh, no. The worst put-together, maybe. But, not the worst. Additionally, what makes it good also makes it a must-see. If you need a clusterfuck to get you thinking that life ain't all that bad and there's gold even among the shit, this is the one for you. If anything, watch this as a primer for The Disaster Artist. To fully understand where we're going, we've got to understand where we began.

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