WIRTB Review: Love Don't Cost a Thing

A 2000s update (read: urbanization because Black film was "in" in mainstream Hollywood) of the 1980s non-Brat Pack teen film Can't Buy Me Love. Nick Cannon as Patrick Dempsey. What could go wrong, right? I'm Speed on the Beat and welcome to another exciting edition of WIRTB Review, where I review films and ask that pivotal question: "was it really that bad?" Today, we're taking a gander at Love Don't Cost a Thing--oh, I'm sorry, I mean, Love Don't Co$t a Thing (because why spell it when you can 50 Cent it).

This isn't really a look at what the film is about. It's your typical 1980s teen dramedy updated for modern times. Nerd falls for hot girl. Hot girl is dumb (yay stereotypes), so she asks nerd to help her. Nerd says "yes, but only if you date me." Nerd ends up having hot girl fall for him, but acts like a complete douchenozzle towards her because reasons. They break up. They get back together at the end. "Be Yourself, except don't because you can be hot" messages aplenty. The end.

Instead, let's just look at why the film fails miserably, outside of, you know, it's an unoriginal premise told in an unoriginal way. For starters, Nick Cannon as an afroed Poindexter.

Now, don't get me wrong. Nick's a loser-ass motherfucker. He is, no doubt, a decent guy with more money than I have. But, he's still a loser in some ways. He tries too hard in real life to be cool and relevant and/or woke. He usually gets "boos" for his troubles. Hell, he's the ass-end of many jokes on his own show(s), such as Wild N' Out and Real Husbands of Hollywood. But, here's the thing: he knows he fits the lovable loser archetype. He works that to his advantage. He worked that to, at one point, pipe Mariah Carey.

But, he's not a believable nerd. See, Patrick Dempsey in Can't Buy Me Love, he can play a nerd. And yes, nerds and losers are different. Losers don't have to be nerdy, but they tend to not know their own awesome. Nerds know their awesome in their nerd tendencies, but sometimes lack social skills because they're too busy being nerdy. Losers need the push to not "lose" at life at times.

Hell, McDreamy was a grown-up nerd in the body of eye candy. He knew he was badass at saving lives, so he became a doctor. Moment of silence for the fictional version of Patrick Dempsey, still.

But, Dempsey, he's pretty much been playing the guy with nerd tendencies his whole life. But, he does it suavely. Even as the "nerd," he's still charming enough to win us over. Nick Cannon's too busy being the lovable loser who's secretly a dickhead. He, like in real life, is trying too hard to win us over. He's awkward. As fuck. And not in a charming way.

I get it. "Oh, he's got the big-ass 'fro in 2003; he's gotta be dorky." I had a 'fro in 2002, 2003. I was kind of dorky. Ludacris had a big-ass 'fro during this time period. He had his lyrical moments of goofy nerdiness. It's a stereotype that kind of worked as truth back then.

But, Nick Cannon with a 'fro screams "we're trying too hard to relate to our urban market." Plus, it's Nick Cannon. When has anything about him screamed "urban?" And don't say Wild N' Out. That's more about everyone else. He's usually just the awkward Black guy that some White people want to claim when they say "I have Black friends."

Additionally, his supporting cast wasn't much better. In fact, aside from Papa Steve Harvey giving "Cool Nerd" (he doesn't get a name to me) a shitload of condoms, everyone tries too hard to be funny in a movie that is set up to be a stinker. A for Effort, I guess? Christina Milian may have been convincing as Nick's real-life girlfriend, but here? She's plastic, unable to convince us she gives a shit about anything other than a paycheck, and just...well, the role could've been filled by someone else.

At least we got to see her in a cheerleader skirt. And no, you won't get a picture out of me. Suffer through this review like I suffered through this movie for you.

The movie blows in a way that even Sunny couldn't. It's boring and unfunny (like the Sunny porno, but at least there, there was teh sechs...even if I wanted brain bleach afterwards). Not even an ounce of ironic funny permeates through this shit show. Not even the "so 2000s" style choices make me chuckle. That's how you know you done fucked up. Movie, you know you done fucked up when you can't even make me laugh at FUBU and ENYCE bodysuits.

I can't even recommend this for LULZ.

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