From Rem: I figured I'd let my audience dictate the next few topics as a means of not getting so flustered and the one I accepted left me more baffled than ever.
As I gathered the necessary thoughts on the matter I hit a block faster than any crash dummy ever has. How can I talk about something that I'd JUST dealt with in a way that didn't seem too personal or too emotional? And it hit me, no sooner than I typed the last letter in "4:02 AM." By living your truth, that's how.
This is part one. This is "How Men Respond to Infidelity" (even the word is cringe-worthy).
Take a walk with me, an exodus into the unknown. The mind of a man that is, and the uncertainty of whether you're bred for what's about to engulf you. What does a man fear?
If not the thought of abusing control, it would be the thought of being too inferior to be given the responsibility to begin with. The latter is the identity a man takes on as a result of not being capable of sustaining a union. You see regardless of a woman's intention whether it be beneficial or lecherous, a man takes on the responsibility of maintenance to keep things afloat. I personally saw my relationships the way I saw life, singular life in that as long as I maintained total control of myself things would run cohesively. I couldn't have been more wrong.
My atmosphere thickened for the first time with guilt. Guilt that I would also later realize I was better than but not before anguish would push me to my breaking point. Even with what I knew about my worth I couldn't shake the thought of feeling like what I was voluntarily enduring, I needed to be going through. Insurmountable strife was my confidant and we knew each other intimately. We'd spent many a night comforting one another while the thoughts of another served as consolation to the woman I loved.
Lord knows the pride of a man can do more than destroy worlds but what's more mind blowing is the destruction it can do to one's self. If cheating was the elephant in the room, most men would ride it right back out before addressing it. It's become such a common occurrence for us that it almost seems blasphemous to entertain the other end of the spectrum. But that should tell you in itself just how sensitive a subject it is for most guys.
Men respond by not responding in most cases. Ignore it, recalibrate, move on, repeat (all circumstantially relative). But, what about the select few that invest so much of themselves that it stops their world? You lose control, question yourself, and feel the inferiority of never having been given the opportunity. These feelings do not make men weak. On the contrary, it makes you more human than those trying rather desperately to elude them. Trying doesn't seem like much motivation when you see just how vile people can be for no reason at all. (See "2:15 AM") When honesty isn't a factor to your counterpart and you know as a man you're capable of forgiveness regardless, you become what/who broke you (or maybe I just did).
But what it takes to climb out of that abyss is knowing and accepting two small things:
1. Although you may be ready to settle, your counterpart may not be.
2. What's a part of your history may not be a part of your destiny.
Knowing you did your absolute best regardless of anyone else's intentions eliminates the anguish that blurring the lines creates when thinking a singular want without control is contingent upon who you are. Don't flatter yourself and try not to take anything personally.
To be continued...