I definitely feel like the greater of two dynamics takes place when you’re faced with emotional strife. The first being the feeling of time slowing down, manifesting a tailor-made isolation. The second, however, is the thought of the days running concurrent. This is also possible to promote the feeling of isolation, through an influx of consuming thoughts. So, I definitely understand the confusion one takes on, feeling as if time is stopping while the days are never ending. And just imagine, this is a purgatory that people voluntary subject themselves to for a lifetime. Well, ladies and gentleman, for once in our young lives—and don’t worry, as I’ll volunteer as tribute to be the representation with my words to channel your possible feelings—it’s time to introduce a little anarchy to this flawed status quo.
For me, personally, it took having to manage and sustain the emotions of a sheltered girl through a premature union to realize just how valuable I really am. I’m giving my audience credit to take the aforementioned “situationship” as a means of relation to what this article could really be about. But, in case the plane hasn't landed yet, I’m talking about what you think you deserve based on prior transgressions versus what you may be ready for, for whatever forum of life you’re currently inhabiting.
The easiest way to paint this picture for you is to make it personal. And, no, I don’t feel a way about sharing with my audience; we must first understand that our power lies in walking in our truth. So, if I put it out there first or at whatever point that I CHOOSE to acknowledge that truth, it can never be used against me. But, I used to be the guy who, very adamantly, believed that the thing that made me special was enough to kill the world and save myself. There’s no need for me to specify what that thing is for simply showing you how selfish of a thought pattern it was. In my maturation process, I thought in order to come from underneath the bouts with selfishness, I had to pass a harsher judgment on myself than what I’d allow myself to feel from anyone else.
For example, I was quite the womanizer in my days, I was guilty of several things but nothing more terrible than using those women for time they couldn't get back with no intention of planning ahead. Pretty shitty guy, huh? But, that’s not the worst of it. My true talent was in being able to manipulate those same women with the very tools I’m currently utilizing to convey this message to you.
I was pretty awful and, in the acknowledgment of being so disgraceful, I began to mentally shape what I thought not only of my worth, but what I deserved as a result. Thinking to myself about the countless East Baltimore “hood chicks,” several Westside “stoner chicks,” and even the occasional “county-sheltered princesses” that I stumbled across in my day and I used to think this'd would leave me with some spaghetti-cooking, Civic-driving librarian for the rest of my days. But, more seriously, I convinced myself that I shouldn't BE happy because of all the folks I left unhappy in my rearview. This, people, is what I like to call TRASH THINKING!
The truth is, there is no peace in that logic, even for a guy like myself who did all of those bad things. At this current point in my life, I recognize the distinct difference between bad people and bad decisions. Bad people want to see the world burn for nothing at all (Fuck Donald Trump 2016, by the way). Meanwhile, bad decisions are nothing more than mistakes (for instance, your sibling being 10+ years younger than you). Now I know there are some people that would argue conscious choices being identified as mistakes. But, in actuality if there’re no mental illnesses present, how is it possible that you’re not always conscious of what you do? This is where “right” and “wrong” come into play and a mistake is nothing more than an errant choice.
We have to first acknowledge our wrong doings to break the binds of emotional attachment to simple mistakes. Once you own it, you can put it behind you & go rent to own the next thing. Very simply put, you don’t have to deny yourself happiness because you slipped up a few times. Those who love you unconditionally will remain unwavering while those not meant to be will throw stones from their glass houses. It’s all about control people! How bad do you really want to be happy? Will you bury your past transgressions in hopes that it doesn’t surface for knowing those things could crush you? Or do you own them and wear those shortcomings enough to say “Yes, I was this person yesterday BUT I’M NOT TODAY?”
Ask yourself, what do you deserve? What are you willing to let go to get it?