PA Volume 31: The Bey Hive's Conundrum

NSFW Warning/Disclaimer: 
PA (short for "Profound Assholes") is a series on where I have a no-punches-pulled conversation with a friend about a hot-button issue (yay cliches!). That friend is usually none other than Drizzle Sez formerly of, who co-created the PA format (go check out his site. It's still live and still kicks much ass to this day). Today, we're talking  the Bey Hive--and (somewhat) introducing a new warrior who's entered the PA ring, Gingawd.

Drizzle: So, I'ma say this first.

Speed: Uh-oh.

Drizzle: I liked Beyonce's song "Formation." Let that be known. But, damn! Motherfuckers are dumb about it. Shit wasn't that fucking important. Shit wasn't even good. Shit should've just been called "Slay" since its bling-bling flow allowed for it to be said more than the amount of jerks per minute on a thirteen-year-old. But, I liked it.

Speed: Well, damn, Drizzle. How are you doing right now, too.

Drizzle: Nah, the Super Bowl got me out of my funk. I feel strongly about shit again. But, without the video or the name Beyonce behind it, "Formation" is here today, gone tomorrow music. As far as the actual performance goes? Beyonce was weak. Maybe it's because she was dancing next to Mr. Psycho Choreography himself, Bruno Mars. But, people on the radio are saying Beyonce da real MVP.

But how? She was outshined by Bruno and plagiarized half of her damn set. RIP Michael.

Speed: Also, Coldplay...

Drizzle: Yeah. Oh, yeah. They were there, too. 

Speed: They constantly got outshined, but--

Drizzle: So, I came to talk about how Peyton came to play. I could've talked about how Cam fell apart--

Speed: He dipped when he should've dabbed. Nevertheless, he was classy and, again, not a fucking thug!

Drizzle: True. But, I could also talk about how the NFC is complete BS next to the AFC. There's a lot of shit to discuss. But...

It won't be relevant. So, lemme say it again. I like Beyonce. I like the song--

Speed: Prepping for the Bey Hive to come at us in three, two, one--

Drizzle: But how did this high-yellow girl from Houston reach this point of critical mass where she's like "Hi, I'm Beyonce. I Beyonce and Beyonce because BEYONCE!"

Speed: Well, shit, man. Careful, folks may say you're colorist.

Drizzle: She says that and boom. Triple platinum.

Speed: Well, I haven't met my piss off fanbases quota for the year yet. Maybe folks gravitated to her because they needed a new icon and Whitney Whitney'ed her legacy away a couple years after MJ did the same thing.

Drizzle: Fuck all that noise. Even Gaga ain't doing it. Half of the Bey Hive is probably gay folks and/or pretty brown-skinned girls who hate on light-skinned girls...unless God Queen Bey happens.

Speed: That, plus Beyonce, out of all the new age idols, she probably seems the least-likely to kill herself or O.D.?

Drizzle: Like I said, I like Queen Bey. I'm happy she could've walked out on stage, stuck her tongue out, and still've been called the Real MVP. But shit! That's fangirl critical mass. That's that comic-book-movie critical mass.

Speed: And they can't stop...they won't stop--

Drizzle: Did you really just quote Miley in here?

Speed: Uh...

Drizzle: Anyway, remember the Comic Cons? The three-hour waits? Then, for what? Superman and Batman looking at each other. And guess the fuck what? The crowd goes nuts! Beyonce gets on her MJ and guess the fuck what? The crowd goes nuts. Why?

Speed: Because...RIP MJ?

Drizzle: Try again.

Speed: Brain bleach?

Drizzle: I don't wanna say it.

Speed: Because...BEY HIVE?! They've got 'em looking so crazy in love(Speed proceeds to hum a few bars of "Crazy in Love")

Drizzle: I really don't wanna say it. Actually, no! Yes, I do.

Speed: Do it!

Drizzle: They stupid.

Speed: Yes, many fans are stupid. Some of them, by chance, belong to the Bey Hive. Come at me, ladies and bros.

Drizzle: "Bling bling, I go hard, I go hard. Bling bling, I slay." Best part of this? In the song, she says what I'm saying. Why?

Speed: 'Cuz she slay?

Drizzle: Cuz she slay.

Speed: Let's not forget the BLM references that people are creaming over. Shoutout to her for that, but--never mind. This isn't about her, per se.

Drizzle: Though mildly entertaining, her being on the Super Bowl is not remotely important (thanks Cam) or even really relevant, aside from the song. She did it before.

Speed: Bruno did before though, too. And, well, they kind of needed to save Coldplay from dying of faux-positive energy.

Drizzle: True. But Bruno tore shit up. As per usual.

Speed: Well, it's Bruno Mars. Let's not get into his fan base talking about him being the next MJ. Let's focus solely on (some of) the Bey Hive.

Drizzle: But, Bruno sings songs about stuff. And his performances, by himself, are just ridiculous.

Speed: But...Beyonce had "If I Was A Boy"--

Drizzle: She complained.

Speed: What about "Diva?" Or what about...oi, I can't do this for real. I agree with you. I enjoy Beyonce. I think she's just great. But, people, she's not Jesus. Heck, she's not even Mother Teresa.

Photo Credit: Kelvin Okafor

Drizzle: When I hear "If I Was a Boy," the only thing I think is this. If Bey were a boy, she'd probably be broke.

Speed: Boom. Beyonce's appeal, for some, is summed up best in the speech Jamie Foxx gave her character in Dreamgirls.

Drizzle: And "Diva?" Female version of that "bling blow burr" flow.

Speed: And "A Milli."

Drizzle: How'd she do it?! Let me clear this up. Don't get shit twisted. I'ma go to the Bey concert when she's in the area. I'ma go with a high-yella girl. I'ma watch and listen to the pretty dark skin girls hate on my pretty light-skinned girl. Then, as any normal person would be, I'ma go and be confused when Queen High Yella hits the stage and those same pretty dark skinned girls that were hating on my pretty light-skinned girl start worshiping the toilet that Queen Bey pissed in before she got on stage.

Speed: Uh...a meme will say it better.

Drizzle: Mic drop. Drizzle's back.

Speed: Aight, well lemme ask this: What if Bey was Kelly? Same talent, but Bey was of a darker complexion. Would she still be as hyped?

Drizzle: Ehhh...probably. Remember, though. We're not hating Beyonce--

Speed: Let us be clear.

Drizzle: We're just calling out her pandemonium-ass fanbase. 

Speed: True. Now, I know folks who are mega Beyonce fans. One of them, I'd consider a pretty good friend of mine. But, she'd be quick to go "mehhhh" over a meh Beyonce song after the initial Bey hype goes down. If the song was booty juice, she'd--I hope--be vocal about it being booty juice. But, fans like that, they're one in a hundred thousand.

Can we talk about how folks are trying to negate her message by comparing it to TPAB?

Drizzle: BACKTRACK TIME! Ray Rice.

Speed: Oh shit...

Drizzle: Now, Ray? He was my nigga. I still have his jersey--

Speed: Speaking of which...Johnny Manziel?

Drizzle: Later.

Speed: We back, dammit.

Drizzle: But, the second I saw the video, I called him all the way back.

Speed: Well, duh. Now, let's be clear. We're not comparing Bey's concerts to Ray Rice's fuckery. We're comparing the idea of fanbases. And that's what normal fans do: they applaud good shit. But, if the object of their fanism goes off the deep end and does some dumb ass shit? Normal fans question shit. They'll call bullshit into question, be it as crazy as murder or domestic violence...or as innocuous as an overhyped-ass song.

Also--and sorry fans--fuck Johnny Manziel. And fuck Bill Romanowski. For so many reasons. Whoo! SOTB!!! is back, too. I'm ready to rip someone to shreds. Because why? For fuck's sake, these people need to be smacked upside the head with a two-by-four on some Hacksaw Jim Duggan shit,

Drizzle: Reign it in, Speed. Back to Bey. She's reached the critical mass where she can do no wrong. Hell, Trump thought he was her when he said he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue. I mean, she has a damn religion! Now, I don't believe she's responsible for idiots being idiots. That's human nature. You can't fix stupid. But, at least tell the people who worship you that you're not God! But, not hating on Bey.

Speed: None at all. She's great. Her fans, though? Some of them, bless their hearts, are...unique.

Drizzle: Now, who amongst us is willing to, at least, say that Beyonce struggled to keep up with Bruno last night.

Speed: Disclaimer time, again. Saying that Beyonce was waxed by Bruno, it's not sexist. It's truth based on their performances. Bey struggled. She held it down, but she struggled. It was showcased especially well in the Sharks versus Jets back-and-forth dance segments. Shit was comedy. While Bey was no slouch, by any stretch of the imagination--I know that I, for sure, couldn't do it--she got reckt, as some bros say, by Bruno.

Gingawd: So, Speed. You should get a woman to go with you to see Deadpool.

Speed: Hayzeus Crisco, where the fuck'd you come from?

Gingawd: Just been chillin' out here. But, yeah, tell 'er it's a romantic, The Notebook-like movie.

Speed: Two problems with that. One, any woman I know and know well enough to go to movies with them, they know about Deadpool. Two, they know about Deadpool.

Gingawd: Aw, well now I'm sad.

Drizzle: Focus, guys. Beyonce. She was out there drippin' sweat, wearing next to nothing. Meanwhile, Bruno had so much juice in him, he had more left over while wearing oversized, full-body leather! I heard a chick say he was lip synching when it was obvious his mic was cut lower than everyone else's so you could hardly hear him.

Gingawd: Never ask your opinion on anything sports-related.

Speed: Hey, to be fair, I said on a couple predictions that I saw Denver pulling out a W. I just so happened to tell you that I saw Cam dabbing all over the Broncos.

Gingawd: I just wanted a good game. I got one, but still, Speed. Man, never ask his opinion on sports.

Speed: It could've been worse. I could've said the 'Skins would beat the Ravens.

Drizzle: Focus, guys! Anyways, if you can't admit that Beyonce struggled to keep up, you're wearing those pretty little rose-colored shades people talk about.

Speed: Yep. How's that working out for you, folks? In other news, I had to go all Office Space on someone recently.

Gingawd: About?

Speed: Being a...not-so-all-there person who passes along work to people while never owning up to their own mistakes and miscues.

Gingawd: Feels good, huh?

Speed: Oh hell yeah. Probably won't amount to shit, but...others see the fuckery as well. So, yeah. It feels good. Oh, so remember that time that one guy wrote out his entire life story, culminating in him losing his V-card?

Gingawd: Forgot that's a thing. How bad was the spelling?

Speed: Fucking horrible. So, imagine wonky grammar and spelling culminating in the guy talking about his dick.

Gingawd: Oh, and man boobies.

Speed: ...the fuck? Anyway, I think it was worse because he kept talking about his condom size and kept emphasizing he couldn't, like, fit in the girl he was losing his virginity to--

Gingawd: Tell 'em it doesn't matter the size if he's not fucking using it--

Speed: Fair. But, I mean, I still didn't wanna hear--

Drizzle: FOCUS! Gingawd, we'll get more of you later--

Gingawd: Damn right--

Speed: Stop it...

Gingawd: You do know that 90% of this, Speed, is because you give me a reaction, right?

Speed: So, Beyonce...

Drizzle: ...I'm done, bruh.

Speed: Well, fuck it. Let's get this one out to the masses.

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