PA Vol. 32: You're Just as Bad as "They" Are

NSFW Warning/Disclaimer: 

PA (short for "Profound Assholes") is a series on SpeedontheBeat.com where I have a no-punches-pulled conversation with a friend about a hot-button issue (yay cliches!). That friend is usually none other than Drizzle Sez formerly of DrizzleSez.wordpress.com, who co-created the PA format (go check out his site. It's still live and still kicks much ass to this day). Today, we're talking Cam Newton and the way some within the black community switched on him after the loss. But, first, a moment of silence for DJ Reggie Reg.

Speed: Reggie Reg died, man.



Drizzle: Yep. Sucks.

Speed: I'm at a lost for words.

Drizzle: It happened this weekend.

Speed: I know. I'm kind of pissed at myself for not knowing sooner, since I took my weekend social media sabbatical and Reggie Reg is a legend in the Baltimore Club Music scene. Heck, even further than that. With no Reggie Reg, there's no K-Swift, to a degree. Why? Well, folks who don't remember--or don't know--K-Swift's first big breaks were on the show she did with Reggie Reg, the show that later became "Off Da Hook Radio" and now is known as "Animal House." Without Reggie Reg and 'em introducing the world to Swift, yeah, man.

(Pauses)

I don't know, man. I didn't know Reggie personally, but shit is hitting me hard. Harder than I expected it would. Maybe it's because of the death that's been surrounding the team recently or something. That's all I wanted to say, though. RIP Reg. Without you and the people you helped elevate, I wouldn't have been introduced to B'more club.

Drizzle: RIP Reg. You in good company.

Speed: But, you didn't come here to read us be in mourning. So, Drizzle, what's the topic du jour?

Drizzle: Well, it's come to my attention that yesterday, I said some things that may've insulted or offended people. In response to this, I'd like to formally apologize. And do so in advance this time because I'm about to do that shit again.

Motherfuckers have no right being mad at Cam Newton.

Speed: Wait, in what regard? Because if we're talking him being shut down in the game? Nah, we've got a little bit of a right to be upset. Mad? Ehhh. Upset a teeny bit? Oh hell yeah. Now, if you're talking about the postgame conference? These "analysts" need to get their microphones out their butt cheeks, post-haste.

Drizzle: Man, look. Niggas were only on Cam because he was a winning negus. Admit it. That's why you liked him. That's why I liked him. He is a winnin' negus with negus flavor.

Speed: True. He was kicking ass and he made me get behind what he was doing. I admit it. Shit, I don't give a fuck.

Drizzle: But, to turn your back on a winning negus because he isn't winning? It's illogical--and also some slave mentality bullshit.


Speed: I'm still over here dabbing. He shut me up when he destroyed the Cardinals. Even though, you know, the dab is kind of just a more-intense version of The Heizman.

Drizzle: That motherfucker did the same shit Tom Brady did. And instead of cheating to get there, he dabbed and swagged his way into the show.

Speed: Yep.

Drizzle: But, all these motherfuckers wanna do is ride him for losing.

Speed: Hi, Stephen A. Smith. Also, fuck Tom Brady. The boos he got at the pre-game show, they were beautiful!


Drizzle: Indeed. Awe-inspiring. By the way, wrong Crying Brady.

Speed: I know. It's still funny.

Drizzle: True. But, Bitch Fucknuggets run the league but lose in the Super Bowl? We argue if he cheated or if he's the best QB, period. Enter Cam Newton. A negus. Our negus. He does that shit and the "fuck Cam" tweets fly out of people's Twitter fingers faster than...

Speed: Meek Mill?

Drizzle: Close enough. But, it's weird because most of the "Fuck Cams" were coming from niggas like you and me. First, that reminds me of Django Unchained when the dude got tore up by the gods. He almost lost the fight--he didn't even lose. What does he get? He gets thrown to the dogs.


Point number two? The loss wasn't even really his fault. It was his coordinator's fault.

Speed: And the O-Line.

Drizzle: Eh. Both lines fell apart yesterday. Damn the line. To understand why I say this, you've gotta understand AFC and NFC. In the NFC, offense is key. They drop BANK on upper-end offensive players.

In the AFC, it's the same. Except for defenses. It's not law, though. Just a trend. But, it's this trend that leads to this set-up in the NFC: rotating defenses. A staple of, for instance, the Cowboys' defense--

Speed: Before they imploded?

Drizzle: Yes, before they imploded. They were able to change out defenders faster than two jackrabbits fucking on speed. That way, the defense was always fresh. It was always ready to run like hell. While in the AFC, a high-caliber player such as JJ Watt? They'd play 90% of the defensive snaps.

So, how is this relevant to Cam Newton and the way the Panthers play?

Speed: It makes them lose their shit?

Drizzle: Even simpler than that. On Sunday, these motherfuckers played the same plays over and over and over. In the NFC, that works. Why? A new guy is across from you every few downs. Meanwhile, in the AFC? It's the same dude, paid more because of the trend. And he's all like "you tried this shit five minutes ago."

Speed: On some "Homey don't play that" shit.

Drizzle: Screens ad nauseum? Blocked over and over. Slant plays over and over? Blocked again then inoed (ed. note: "Inoed" is pronounced as "N-o'ed," and is a slang term to refer to interceptions). Any coach worth his weight in salt woulda seen the trend and switched it up. The Panthers didn't, hence the fumbles, drops and miscues.

Speed: But Denver had that, too.

Drizzle: True. Hell, the N.O. to fumble to fumble was like watching The Three Stooges.

Speed: Did you cue up "Three Blind Mice?" Because I did.


That could've just been because I watched the game with the kids around, but fuck it. I did it.

Drizzle: But at the end of the day? The Broncos played and ran plays like they knew what a defense with Ray Lewis and Ed Reed looked like. The Panthers, on the other hand, ran plays like they play the Bucs. So, again, I blame the coordinator. The point is that it wasn't even Cam's fault. Now I know that he fucked up some. But the fuck ups ain't win the game. His few fuck ups were nothing compared to Mike Shula fucking up the entire game. I say that to say this: all of you slave-minded motherfuckers? You're worse than the Klan.

No, you don't go lynching folks and shit. But at least the Klan doesn't go and eat their own. Cam made his way to the Super Bowl. Clap for him, dammit. But, to all my negi who're still dabbin' on 'em? Respect.

(Speed proceeds to dab)

No comments