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Speed ontheBeat Speed ontheBeat Author
Title: PA Vol. 30: Drizzle and Speed's Tips to Getting Laid (Part One)
Author: Speed ontheBeat
Rating 5 of 5 Des:
NSFW Warning/Disclaimer:  PA (short for "Profound Assholes") is a series on SpeedontheBeat.com where I have a no-punches-pulled...
NSFW Warning/Disclaimer: 
PA (short for "Profound Assholes") is a series on SpeedontheBeat.com where I have a no-punches-pulled conversation with a friend about a hot-button issue (yay cliches!). That friend is usually none other than Drizzle Sez formerly of DrizzleSez.wordpress.com, who co-created the PA format (go check out his site. It's still live and still kicks much ass to this day). 

Today's PA, as it's our 30th edition, will delve into the topic of dating tips, tips to--if you're on that wavelength--potentially just get you laid, and more. As both Drizzle and I are straight, we can't--and won't, out of, ya know, that whole "putting words into other folks' mouths" thing we try to avoid--really speak on how it is for folks who are LBGTQI. Feel free to chime in via social media with your tips. Although, regardless of who you sleep with, fuckery is everlasting and some is mostly universal. 

Drizzle: So, I find myself drinking more these days.

Speed: Good thing or bad thing? I mean, is it good social drinking or that "Jesus Take The Wheel" sort of drinking people sometimes do when they feel their life is a shitstorm?

Drizzle: A little bit from column A, a little bit from column B. Especially since Sinatra Select is like this when compared to regular Jack or even Gentleman's Jack.


But, that's not the point. The point is now, in the bar? I see things.

Speed: Alright. What do you see?

Drizzle: Call me older, or wiser, or what-the-fuck-ever, but I'm not actively putting danger shields up because I've gotten used to it--

Speed: Living that bouncer life can do that to you--
Drizzle: But, I'm seeing other social interactions.

Speed: Does it disgust you or something?

Drizzle: Sometimes. Niggas lame, bruh. I'm sitting here, like, "I knew not to do that when I was eighteen!" I'm speaking to the things I've seen desperate boys pull. Example: if she's a lesbian. She's a lesbian. Don't try to "turn her straight." I mean, she didn't just "turn" gay overnight and you can't magically turn her straight overnight.


You're just making a clown of yourself.


Speed: Yep.

Drizzle: Fun digressive fact. I had this convo with a former lesbian--

Speed: How is she former?

Drizzle: Not really important. Remember our disclaimer?

Speed: Touche.

Drizzle: I told her that it was good that she was a lesbian when I was, myself, out and hunting. She asked "why?" I tell her because that knocks one possibility out of the water. If I know you ain't cutting, I can admire your beauty and leave your ass alone.

Speed: True shit.

Drizzle: Apparently, dem boyz in their early 20s? They have yet to learn such as lesson. Among other shit. So many mistakes. So much shit that they end up cockblocking themselves before anyone else does. For instance, if she says "hey I don't want you touching me" or blocks your hand if you go for her waist, ass, breasts, et cetera? TOUCHING HER IS BAD! 

Speed: NO TOUCHING!


If she says "no," then "no" means "no." It's simple shit.

Drizzle: Ain't even new nigga logic, though, to try and combat that simple thing. Look at the "no means yes" James Bond stuff. But, these boys need teaching, though.

Speed: So, how do we go about it, then?

Drizzle: Wrong question. First thing we need to ask is this: should we do it?

Speed: Well, I'm biologically responsible for two kids, my sons. The rest of these boys, technically, aren't my problem. At least from a biological standpoint. They can go fuck themselves for all I care. But, then I think about it. What if their fuckery gets into my kids' heads?

Drizzle: Quite frankly, more idiots increase the odds of good guys. But, girls? They get ruined sometimes by...assholes.

Speed: Profound ones?

Drizzle: Ehh...fuck it. Young folks, get your panties untwisted and prepare to get all butt hurt on social media. You motherfuckers out here ain't got no game and you're driving women insane! You don't know how to get respectful? Well...in the immortal words of Kevin Hart:


Speed and Drizzle: It's PA Time, y'all.

Drizzle: Now every negus tried to put some free game knowledge on people. And it's shit that works for them. Likewise, this is shit that works for me--and shit that works for Speed. Shit we've seen and shit that I've hated. Learn, bitches!

Speed: Alright. I'll chime in a bit later on. Get ya PA on.

Drizzle: I guess the first thing you've got to know about picking up girls is what's in your brain and what pumps your heart muscles. Sincerity is key. If you're fake, you gonna get fake bitches. Knowledge is power. Fun facts keep conversations going. Educate yourself, too. No one wants a dummy. So, practice being witty--but not a smartass.

Speed: Or, inversely, if you're going to be a smartass with your wit, try to balance it out. Balance it out with legitimate charm. No one likes a "I think I know it all" person. And that's especially if you're just here, both drunk in a bar, looking for some ass. Ain't nobody got time fo' dat.

Drizzle: Dated memes aside, the point of being witty is being smooth--not a jackass. Now, some say "smooth's played out" and has been played out since the '90s. No. That version of smooth was played out. Smooth is everlasting and evolves with the times. Now? We're thinking about smooth transitions. When your brain is working it out, you can smoothly change topics or smoothly jump from one point to the next. But, more on that later.

The second detail of import is this. Keep your brain head right. Remember what's most important in the world. You.


You! Not the hunt. Not the pussy! Not the drinks! YOU, motherfucker. Have self-worth in your brain head. If you don't find yourself worthy, why the fuck would she?!

Speed: True. If you find yourself worthless, you'll get worthless folks in your area and worthless women in the backseat of your car. Now I don't mean "worthless" as in they, themselves, have no overall worth. We're all worth something in the world. But, I mean, worthless as in they, themselves, have and deserve no worth for you to hop out the woodwork and pursue.

"Basic," I think that's what the kids call 'em these days.


Drizzle: Bruh. You're jumping ahead. You've gotta ease these negi into this.

Speed: ...I forgot that some of these young'uns are just plain stupid/just can't embrace more than one idea at a time.

Drizzle: Just sayin'. But, now, your head and your heart are working together. You got your brain head up. You're ready to go hunting--WAIT! Negus, you ain't ready to walk out the door yet. Clean your house. Wash your dishes. No, I'm for real! Go do that. Make your crib look like a damn furniture store.


You've got self-worth. Live like it. Done? Okay. WAIT! Wait again, my negus. You can't leave the house yet. You don't even know where you're going!

Speed: So, where are they going? Club? Bar? Someone's house from OKC to try and get the Netflix and Chill on? A coffee shop to meet someone they swiped right on?

Drizzle: Find out where you're going. Research a bit. Simple. And, for now, we're going with cold pickups. No interweb dates. We can do that later.

Speed: Ok.

Drizzle: Ok. So you've researched the venue. Now you can dress APPROPRIATELY! It can't be stressed enough. If you look like a hobo, you'll be treated like, what, Speed?

Speed: A hobo?

Drizzle: A hobo. If you look like you don't belong, people'll treat you like you don't belong.

Speed: Damned right. Digression time. A couple years back, I did a social experiment by mistake. I went into R.J. Bentley's and Cornerstone in College Park with slacks and shit on. It was when none of the regulars were there. I got some of those "hi Dad" stares from folks. That was even before I went bald, so...yeah. Dress appropriately.


(Speed and Drizzle laugh)

Drizzle: Now, don't get it twisted. Always dress one level up when you're in doubt--

Speed: But, I mean...it was Bentley's.

Drizzle: Indeed. You wanna stand out from the crowd, but still be a part of the crowd. Subtly. Example. Let's go with your discussion about Bentley's. Everyone and their bro, they're wearing cheap button-ups--

Speed: Button-ups they probably got from Rugged Warehouse the afternoon before--

Drizzle: Eh, maybe. Who knows? Regardless, you go in there with a button-up and a modest watch. That small little detail will set you apart.

Speed: Inversely, you go in there with a three-piece and most folks will look at you like Dr. Z--minus the "people studying."

Drizzle: But, yeah. Ok. You're clothed appropriately. You better be groomed. If I had to tell you that, there's no hope for you. Like, at all. On that point, cologne. I hate when I catch dudes like this:


Speed: Yeah. Don't bathe in the shit. Especially for, like, Axe and those sorts of things. Even legit cologne--

Drizzle: Nah, bruh. No one--and I mean no one--should smell you before they see you. If you must wear it, single squirt. At the neck. No one should know it's there until they're damn near giving you hickies.

Speed: Or, ya know, just smell good in general. Bathe, have your pheromone game up, et cetera.

Drizzle: As I said, if you need lessons on basic grooming, you ain't gettin' laid.

Speed: You'd be surprised, though. Digression time. I did another experiment, this time while being depressed as hell. So, I decided to try the Naya Rivera bath schedule. You know, only bathing every second-and-a-half day because, apparently, only white people bathe every day. I know, I know, she apologized for it. But, stick with me. I did that, I was super depressed and didn't know what to do with my life.

...but, I had charm, clean drawers, and still kept my smell good game skrong. So, I still got panties thrown my way. All in all, I'm saying that you've gotta keep your whole body Zestfully Clean, ya bastards. Even if you're not showering thrice a day. If you don't bathe, they won't fuck on you.


Drizzle: Ah, so we're bringing back the shameless plugs?

Speed: I mean, this is volume thirty after all. Let's get all the shit we can out of it as I sip on my Canada Dry ginger ale. Anyway, you're showered, your smell good game's on point, and you're dressed. Now what?

Drizzle: Well, you know the where, since you researched it.

Speed: So, now we're at the where, right? Don't go getting plastered. I've done it. It ends badly. For instance, you could end up, like someone I knew some time ago, throwing up on the girl you're trying to bring home--

Drizzle: Nope. Too fast. Bring it back. We haven't even left the damn house. I mean, the issue is patience. Be patient--

Speed: I just hate that we've gotta go all paint-by-numbers, connect-the-dots with folks.

Drizzle: Fair. But, you're clean, you're clothed, you know what you're walking into. Walk out the door. When you do, leave all your negativity at the door. Take none of that with you. When you leave your house, all the things that upset you, from baby mama drama to a bad day at work--leave it. Your thoughts should be one one thing and one thing only. No, not pussy.

You should be thinking about how much fun you're gonna have tonight.

Speed: True.

Drizzle: Now, you're out the door. So, how are you gonna get to the spot? If you're drinking, it's best to Uber it. If you're driving, I hope you also cleaned your whip before you set out. Clean whip? Bruh! Your whip is like your crib in that, if you have self-worth, your ride will reflect that.


Drizzle: Now, no. I'm not saying "hey, man. Ride up in a Rolls." I'm saying if you drive a hatchback Pinto, still keep your car clean and working.

Speed: True. Can't tell you how many times I've observed folks coming out, expecting to get everything in sight to go home with them, but had all sorts of indescribable stains and scuffs in their car.

Drizzle: Ok, so, you're riding, walking, driving, spelunking--

Speed: Don't forget skydiving through a Rubix Cube. Bitches love the Cube.

Drizzle: However you're getting to the spot, you're travelling there. While you're traveling, kick a freestyle.

Speed: A freestyle. Makes sense.

Drizzle: No, seriously. Rap. Rap like you mean it. Rap like you're about to battle 2001 Jay Z. Freestyle like there's a billion on the line. When you freestyle, you do two very important things.

Speed: Is one of those things adding in a motherfucker so the ignorant niggas hear me?

Drizzle: No.

Number one: You practice that whole wit thing we talked about earlier. In order to freestyle, you need to think on your feet and think well and fast.

And number two: You hear yourself. You know what you sound like and try to speak clearly.

These are skills you need to interact with the fairer sex properly. Freestyling is your warm-up. Can't freestyle? WRONG! You left negativity at the door. You can do anything--within reason--including freestyle.

Speed: Tell 'em.

Drizzle: First time? Fine. Recite this song until you get the hang of it:


Speed: Yep. Go 'head and make the impossible possible.

Drizzle: Now, let me stress this. I believe you have no business hitting on girls if you have zero money. Get some CASH--ya know, those little green pieces of people--in your pocket. No, for real for real. Stop at the ATM and get, at least, twenty bones cash if you don't have it in your pocket already.

Speed: True. Even if it's just a couple bucks.

Drizzle: I don't care if you got a Black Card. YOU. NEED. CASH!!!


Noooooooobody wants this embarrassing situation: you get to the front door and there's a cash-only cover charge. Now, you just hurt yourself and anyone who saw it? They'll clown you when you finally do get in. It could be a quiet clowning, it could be loud and boisterous. Either way, you just fucked yourself.

But wait! WAIT! We forgot. Who are you riding with? No one? Someone? Everyone? If it's "someone," they best to be best following the same rules as you. Just saying. Who you with will either help or hurt you.


If their shit ain't on point like your's is? You're setting yourself up for failure. Now, there is an exception here. If you're a tool. No, hear me out.

Speed: ...alright.

Drizzle: Now, if your shit is dramatically more on point than your people's, then you get up points by comparison. But, you're not a tool. You're good peoples. We don't set up our homeboys like that.

Speed: So, you and your boys have gotta be on the same level. Or at least a comparable level.

Drizzle: Now, ve hunt. You walk in the spot. You left your negativity at home. So, smile! No matter what, you're here to have fun. Even if you get no pussy, no numbers, no smiles, you are going to have fun tonight. Have that "I'm happy to be here" smile on your face.


But, not outright hysterically happy, of course. That's weird. I mean, have that slight upcurve on your lips. No woman wants to be with someone who's boring or sad. So be happy and content. I mean, half of your success is based off of what you did before you walk in.

Speed: This is true. And with that, we leave you. Stay tuned for part two to this Tip Sheet.

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