WIRTB: BMX XXX


In the annals of video game history, there are great games that utilize controversy and the like to bolster their stories. For instance, let's talk Grand Theft Auto IV. While it was, for me, the worst game in the series, GTA IV's finale featured an "is blood really thicker than water?" choice between Niko's cousin and girlfriend. I always chose the girlfriend, only because hearing Roman speak was like taking a cage of bees to my face nether regions.

Indeed.
Another example of "controversy" to bolster a story and foster a connection is the fact games such as Fable and Mass Effect, with their allowance of same-sex marriage and relationships in a way that wasn't stereotypical. The relationships were treated as any other. But, today's WIRTB Review isn't one of these games. In fact, one could argue that it's one of the worst games of all-time. And if not the worst, it sure as hell helped kill Acclaim Entertainment and make extreme sports games uncool. So, without further ado, let's (not) play BMX XXX.


For starters, the game's reputation is built on the fact that it's a crap BMX game with some pre-Superbad sex comedy vibes that was supposed to be the next Dave Mirra BMX game (before, ya know, it stunk up the place). Because Dave Mirra supposedly saw how crap it was, he was like "nah" and Acclaim decided to ramp up the sex--possibly because even they knew it was crap--and put this steaming pile out anyway. What we got was a barely functional BMX game with polygon titties, dog-on-dog sex scenes (don't ask) and sex puns and innuendo so dated, The Seven Year Itch probably passed on them.

The game took forever and a day (and not the good 4evaNaDay kind, either) to load and once it did, you were treated to a FMV of bikers screwing around and strippers. After this, you got, as mentioned, a barely-functional BMX game with polygon titties.

"But Speed, how great were the titties," you ask?


Now yes, it was 2002/2003 when this game dropped. But even the "Hot Coffee" crack was more sexually awesome than this drivel. It doesn't help that, ya know, the game sucked. And how did it suck?

Aside from the polygon titties, every other aspect of the graphics felt dated--even by 2002 standards (and, yes, that's including the random videos you'd get of "real-life" strippers). The humor was, again, headscratchingly awful. The story, from what I remembered, also involved a stereotypically jive-talkin' pimp, probably because Rudy Ray Moore wasn't aware and couldn't sue to keep them from infringing on his Dolemite trademark. So, you know it was probably played by a white guy who'd just seen Shaft and said "hey, I can do this jive-talkin' shit, too, brotherman."

On top of that, the areas where you'd do your BMXing were bland as watching vanilla paint dry in a whitewalled white house seemingly stolen from the classic 1988 game Skate or Die. That's even before you get into the fact that the physics felt like the aborted Gurren Lagann spin-off, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann Extreme Sports Fiesta (which I'm sure would've been amazing if it were a real thing). At least the soundtrack was...actually, no. The soundtrack was pretty cliched as well. So, even the music couldn't score it some points.

All in all, the game seemed to only exist as a giant eff you to Dave Mirra, fans of his (vastly) superior game series, and people with emotional maturity levels over the age of five. If you're really that desperate for polygon tits, just stay in the strip club in GTA V. Or, ya know, try to see actual breasts via porn or the real world. This game is trash and I'd recommend it to no one.

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