Drizzle: Ok, so there are three types of artists out there. First, we have those few who have talents. Then, we have the pretentious tools with no real talent who think they're better than everyone and more understood than everyone else. These types:
Then, there are those who I find the most-entertaining to watch: the loud motherfuckers. The ones who live and die by by the following:
He's an amalgam of them, some more than others. I would describe him as a guy who says this:
Speed: I wouldn't expect anything but. And, yes, readers, I'm still here after that epic intro.
Drizzle: I'm so sincere, though. Niggas gonna hate me.
Speed: They don't hate us already for being too real? Ah well--
Drizzle: I usually talk subjects. This goaround? We're talking people. Specific people.
Speed: In other news, I'm not really dying anymore, so that's awesome. But, I want to discover the next The Weeknd, the next Krizzle, the next Logic. And, gotdammit, you and I are gonna do it.
Drizzle: This indie music showcase is like Chatroulette. Sometimes, you've gotta get through all the dicks before you find a gem.
Speed: Are these gems gonna involve ass and titties? Because, I mean--
Drizzle: Assholes and pussies--
Speed: Are these assholes of the woman persuasion--
Drizzle: Focus, Speed! Anyway, as I mentioned, anyone who's seen Team America knows of the three-kinds-of-people theory. I subscribe to that theory, especially in this situation. Anyone who knows me, they know I appreciate assholes. I can't stand pussies. And I'm a dick.
Speed: I mean, our series is called "Profound Assholes." So, the appreciation of assholes is apparent--
Drizzle: Yeah, but that's when I give not a single fuck about people's opinions or feelings. I still don't. But, I do care about these artists for some reason.
Speed: Well, that's not surprising. So, are we beginning this now?
Drizzle: Yep. LET'S COMMENCE THE ROCK!!!
Speed: We really need a theme song. Also, potentially recording these in real-time and stuff...
Speed: So, who's our first victim--
Drizzle: No victim. But, I think I'll start with Justin Justice (JusXJustice on the Twitter).
To speak about him--and tie into my Team America reference--he's an asshole. Fuck yeah. Couldn't help it. He's not an asshole because he says assholish things. He's not an asshole because he makes shitty music. I actually like his shit and bumped it heavily over the past week or so. He reminds me of a less angry Talib--with that light-ass voice bitches love Drake for, minus the goofball which tends to come with Drake.
Speed: So...what makes him an asshole, then?
Drizzle: It's so damn stupid trying to find this dude's music. It's stupid because it ain't hard...but it's damn inconvenient. Okokok, I THINK dude answered my call to be awesome by following me. Most artists did. But, I ain't get no link, no tag, no nothing.
Speed: Yikes... That's--yeah, that is a bit assholish. Is there more to the asshole or nah?
Drizzle: I mean, ok, so I had to Google and YouTube him. No big deal. But dammit! I'm on yo's Twitter page and links that say they go to different songs? They all go to the same song. Dude's lucky "It Be Okay" is good. I mean, it's pretty durn good. Or else, I'd just be like "fuck it."
Other asshole thing is this: after I'm all running around the interwebs looking for his music, I can't find nowhere to download the shit!
Speed: So, what'd you do? Did you go all "fuck this," copy his links to Anything to MP3 and potentially get a virus all up in your iPhone's asscheeks just for dude's music?
Drizzle: No. I streamed it. Pissed me off, too. My data's at, like, 90% now and I've got like a week left. Asshole. But, he rap good. So, I'll fuck with his cuts when I can download 'em. JusXJustice with "It Be Ok" gets a bump. That's how I'ma do this. You either get a "bump" or get a "toss." Cry later. I bet you some of these unlucky fucks want me to only rate their music with some, like, stars or some shit outta five rating. Maybe, just maybe, even rank 'em.
Speed: But, we don't do that. I don't allow that lazy-ass shit on my site.
Drizzle: Besides, if I do that, how will these artists learn? JusXJustice, I fucks with you. Your sound is...goodly. But, dammit! You gonna learn today how to make your good music more accessible.
JUSXJUSTICE FINAL VERDICT: BUMP
Speed: So...who's next?
Drizzle: Dammit, Speed. Haven't you ever read a PA before?
Speed: (sarcastically) No...I've only wrote within them, proofed them, and posted them for the world to see. I obviously didn't read them--the fuck you think? (Both laugh)
Drizzle: But, I started with the guy who I heard immediately who had the smallest catalog. But, this next nigga? He's got his shit on point. I'm talking about a Vegas dude by the name of Chris Cash (@Cashavelli for the Tweeter folks).
Speed: Before we get into this, Happy--belated--Turkey Day and shit. My oldest kid was running around here like a non-spousally-abusive, non-I'm-gonna-stick-my-foot-in-my-mouth-because-sportball, non-I-needs-a-job-so-I'ma-say-what-I-needs-to-say Ray Rice. I mean, you know, he's small and fast and shit. Not that he's going to grow up and fuck around and do stupid shit.
Drizzle: Yep. Families are real people and family drinking is real drinking.
Speed: True. Still recouping myself, just from the turkey hangover...
Drizzle: Anyway, Chris Cash might be a radio DJ or something or whatever. You know I don't give a fuck about occupations--unless it's scientific.
Speed: Considering all the "English major" jokes I've gotten from the team over the years, I wouldn't expect anything less.
Drizzle: But whatever he does, he has connections. What's really important is this: he's a good dude. You message him and he'll message you back. I like it. But, when it comes to music? He's kind of hit or miss.
Drizzle: I mean, it's good music. But, it's not always my style and some of it sounds lazy. And it eats the track alive.
Speed: I've got to agree here, to a point--figure I can't let you have all the critiquing fun and shit. When he's on, he's on. When he's not? He commits, to me, one of the biggest sins in music. He becomes lazy and slightly boring. Like I said elsewhere, I'll take shit music over boring music any day of the week. At least shit music is entertaining--at times.
Drizzle: Hol'on. Lemme put it to you this way: the first time I streamed the album, I thought he was an asshole. BUT...there are enough Super Saiyan tracks on here that I bought the album off iTunes.
CHRIS CASH FINAL VERDICT: BUMP
Speed: So...who's next? I mean, you've given two bumps so far. Are you being generous or is everything you've received thus far bump-worthy?
Drizzle: Nope. I went over the guys with the biggest and smallest catalogs. It just so happened that I bumped them both. Now, let me tell you about another.
Speed: Lemme guess--
Drizzle: Now, I'll tell you. Steven Lamont (@StvnLmnt) pushes his music hard--
Drizzle: Out of all the artists I've heard, he easily has tweeted me the most.
Speed: That much is true. So, for you, is his music worth the push or is he just talking out his ass plugging booty dew--God, I hate myself for saying that. I mean, I've already given my opinions on him--
Drizzle: I didn't read 'em.
Speed: (flustered) You didn't--but, how are we--argh! Shit, I don't even know where I posted 'em.
Anyway, I feel Steven's got potential. He has his moments of just sheer "oh, ok"-ness where I found myself tuning out his bars and more just listening to the beat or his flow. But, for the most part? He's got potential. Has he reached it all the way? No, not at all. For me, he's like Big Sean meets your typical DMV underground artist.
However, he actually has potential. That's in comparison to many other underground DMV artists just sound like they're biting that Slutty Boyz sound, or that Glizzy Gang sound, or they're mimicking artists like Lightshow and Tate Kobang and 'em. Inversely, they're doing the most to sound like Wale. Old Wale. The Wale even Wale doesn't sound like anymore. But, back to Lamont, he's got "it." He just hasn't fully brought "it" out.
Drizzle: That's a lot of...potential. But, I'd agree with that. He does have potential. But, as I listened to his album, I had these feels. I had these feels that his hype to push the album was infinitely times higher than his hype actually MAKING the album.
Drizzle: The first time I bumped it, it was on a shitty sound system. So...it sounded like a low-production, no-fi hellhole--
Speed: Hey, I resent the clowning of no-fi...sorta. But, continue.
Drizzle: Speed...you know no-fi hurts peoples' ears. You said so yourself!
Speed: Fair enough--
Drizzle: We're getting off-track. So, I gave it another go in the truck. There, the production value goes way up and it sounds like a wannabe Reasonable Doubt.
Drizzle: But, he's skilled...but he doesn't have Jay's skill. He's got slow bounce but without RD's bounce. It's begging for a listen, but it's got nothing dramatic to pull me in. His story and perspective were, indeed, very interesting. But, there wasn't enough to hold my attention. For me, #stvnlmnt: The Mixtape gets a toss. Now, that's not to say, you know, his next project won't blow my mind. Hell, I'll even patiently wait for the next one. But, not this time, boss. It's ok, though...
STEVEN LAMONT/STVNLMNT FINAL VERDICT: TOSS
Speed: I would still argue "bump," but it's not my showcase and I agree with your points. So, let's get into the next act.
Drizzle: Now, what really disappointed me in this showcase is the general lack of stripper tracks and fuck music.
Speed: Well, lemme take this time to re-up on the Team DAR track "PLW" from last year's Genesis. Fuck it, no one else provided, so I'm gonna provide a bit.
Drizzle: Aside from that, someone provided stripper and fuck music. And it surprised me.
Speed: Is that good or no?
Drizzle: Bryson Tiller hits and I got access to that album.
Speed: Surprised we didn't cover this earlier in PA, but screw it.
Drizzle: Now this album surprised me because, while he's, like, number 13 on iTunes right now--so he isn't exactly underground--most people don't know who he is somehow. Almost no one I know, so I put it on in the truck.
I was happy to hear someone singing since, apparently, The Weeknd is the only one of that ilk who went underground. I was also happy to hear some T R A P S O U L, because...I didn't know it was a thing.
Speed: Yep. It's a thing. A confusing and glorious thing, but a thing nonetheless.
Drizzle: But, it upset me. Why?
Speed: Because you were expecting one song to fuck to?
Drizzle: Because I was expecting at least one song to fuck to. But, non non non...it was trap music...sung. If I wanted to fuck to trap, then I'd fuck to trap.
Speed: Gucci Mane still gets some panties wet for some reason. Must be the bass. So, does this dilute Bryson's bump-a-bility?
Drizzle: Indeed it does. It has bangers. It has trap music. It has pseudo-singing. It's a progressive dumb nigga's dream. And sometimes, as we all know, I can be a quite progressive negus. I'd bump it, but I've gotta be in the right mood.
Speed: I feel like I know where this is going.
Drizzle: If I've got to be in the right mood to hear it, it's a toss, boss.
BRYSON TILLER FINAL VERDICT: TOSS
Speed: I'll give you that. "Don't," however, is still that shit. Even though, I'll be honest, it and "Say It" sound so similar that, if I'm not paying attention, I may confuse the two. That's no "diss" or whatever to Bryson or Tory Lanez. The songs just, to me, sound the same at times.
Drizzle: Anyway, it has its moments. Just not enough. So, he can hate me later. I guess, to be honest, my palate was expanded and I gave more bumps than I thought. However, this wave of indies was kind of disappointing. But, this won't be the last showcase.
Speed: Definitely not.
Drizzle: There you have it. No fucks given. No points held. No "X outta five" fuckery to boost your ego. If it's in my truck, you're up. If not?