Profound Assholes Volume Four: Social Media

If you've been following Drizzle Sez, you'll know that he sees social media as the bane of humanity. I usually see it as a bane, when used incorrectly. So, today, he and I began discussing a Go Fund Me page and, from there, launched into another discussion on the need for social media to be...tamed.

Drizzle: So, I just got an invite to a GoFundMe page.

Speed: Go on...

Drizzle: It's a wedding page.

Speed: Alright. People do that.

Drizzle: But, she's also begging people to, like, come by instructing people to inbox her for information and directions.

Speed: Wait, what? So, she has a GFM for her wedding and is inviting randos to said wedding? Does it get any worse?

Drizzle: God, I hope not.

Speed: I think it may've gotten deleted now.

Drizzle: Before it did, it rose $106.

Speed: Well, if Virgil's dumb ass can raise #fuckmoney...

Drizzle: This is what's wrong with social media. I wanna get rid of the internet. The rise of the machines has begun, as social media is akin to Skynet, and it's destroying our minds.

Speed: I assume this is our part four...

Drizzle: As in "is this nigga gonna rant?" Yes. So, let me start off again by saying WHAT...THE...FUCK?! Famous starting words, by the way. I...I...can't. I'm going full basic. I can't even... For starters, having to pay for admission to a wedding isn't played out at all. That shit was never played in! I could go to this girl's wedding and not even know her--at all. As long as I throw her some coin. I ain't even throw coin at a Beyonce when she was single. Seven fucks. Do I need to bring a gift as well as give you GoFundMe money? Damn, y'all all in my pockets.

Second: How are you that broke? Now, I mean, don't get me twisted. A lot of people are Broke Phi Broke and it sucks. But, if you must marry broke, take out a damn bank loan. Don't run out with your hand out. Shit. Backyard it if need be.

Speed: True.

Drizzle: Butbutbut then...then I hear this girl, the GoFundMe chick, usually ain't on top of her shit. Like, she gets sent emails with directions, and still asks people how to do shit on Facebook.

Speed: Yeesh...

Drizzle: So, now? I'm like...I can see why she's busted broke. She's so busted broke, she puts her hands out and says "please." That's what bums do. She's literally a bum. And she's a social media bum! It hurts my heart, Speed. It does.

What happened to us? Why'd we even fight a war? This chick says "I'm broke and wanna be married. There's an app for that." You know what broke people usually say? "There's a courthouse for that," which brings me to my third point.

Third, this precious child has no grip on reality! She's doing this for a reason and I assume it's because she NEEDS a wedding. Quite frankly, no one needs a wedding. The wedding has been--and always will be--for show. And what fucked-up institution exists for that reason? Social media. Please tell me I'm not the only one worried?!

Speed: Social media, I think, isn't the full-on problem. Just fuckheads not knowing what to really do with it. I think. But, no. You're not the only one. At all.

Drizzle: No! Fuck that. This girl "needs" a wedding, so she can post pics and fish for likes.

Speed: She needs therapy for her self-esteem issues.

Drizzle: Fuck self-esteem. She needs a re-brainwashing.

Speed: Go on. Oh, sidenote! New Dr. Dre on Friday.

Drizzle: Don't change the subject. Detox will never come. Amen.

Speed: Detox is dead--

Drizzle: Anyways...the war of the machines. Skynet is making us stupid and have unrealistic expectations, so that the war of the machines is easier to win. Fuckin' hippies. I blame hippies and Skynet. Free love and machines make your wedding. Fuck this.

Speed: (laughs) So, as another sidenote, Lil' Dicky. Thoughts in one sentence?

Drizzle: Who?

Speed: He's some white guy who's a comedy rapper, kind of. He puts out songs which, for the most part, flaunt his whiteness. He's kind of like Iggy Azalea with a dick, except he kind of knows and revels in the fact that he's actually white.

Drizzle: Again, I ask: "who?" Is he a social media rapper? Or do I gotta go in on how his name says "tiny penis?"

Speed: Pretty much. He cam up because white people love him and shit on Twitter.

Drizzle: He sounds like a guy who'd GFM his wedding.

Speed: Well. He was an ad executive before he became a rapper--

Drizzle: I was a bouncer before I became an engineer--

Speed: And while, form-wise, he's not that bad, everything else? Eh. Corn. And, I'd say that regardless of skin tone. So, I'm saying he'd probably use GFM to fund a wedding because he'd get to flex his social media muscles and social media advertising skills.

Drizzle: We've failed as people.

Speed: This is true. Sadly. So, can you really call too many people in this world actual people anymore?

Drizzle: Yep. We advertise on Twitter. But we live...lives outside of it!

Speed: I know. It's such a fucking novel concept, isn't it? To live outside of social media. Who the fuck would've thunk it?

Drizzle: So when I get married, I'm coming correct. And when I die? #BuryMeInPants.

Speed: Oh, but of course. And don't you go fuck around and get a GFM for it, either?

Drizzle: I may hit you if you suggest that again. Do men pee standing up anymore? Do women not play Digital Mean Girls anymore? Will the Zombie Apocalypse be live-tweeted? Find out next time on Dragon...Ball...Z!!!

Speed: Kyle Hebert is a voiceover genius, by the way.

Drizzle: (laughs)

Speed: So, with that said, this brings volume four to a close. You know the motto. If we haven't offended you, we aren't doing our jobs. And stop begging.

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