Profound Assholes Volume Eight and Nine: Let's Talk About Sex

So, after Friday's alcohol-fueled discussion, Drizzle and I wanted to discuss something a bit less down-in-the-dumps. Kind of. So, we decided to talk sex. I mean, we're men. We're adults. Most of my readers are over 18. So, we should be able to have a real conversation about sex from a young G's perspective--and not forget the contraceptive.

Drizzle: Why are women so...ashamed--I think that's the right word--of their own sex lives?

Speed: Patriarchal bullshit?

Drizzle: Yeah, I get that. But, what about when they're in a socially acceptable sexual relationship?

Speed: They've been screwed up?

Drizzle: (side-eyes Speed) Didn't take time to think about that! Ok, so scenario time. You're fucking a girl, and you're getting it. So, you decide to pull out. Are you scared to tell her to suck it or do you shove it in her mouth?

Speed: Alright. Well...people who are in "socially acceptable relationships"--I've got to laugh at that term, by the way--they still have to deal with a lot of shit. They tend to gravitate towards the same sort of fuckheads until someone good comes along. So, if these fuckheads are saying "ayo bitch, yo' pussy wack?" The woman involved may either:

  1. believe it and be afraid to try new shit
  2. deny it and try to prove them wrong, setting up a cycle of chicks fucking everyone and dealing with slut-shaming
  3. internalize it as being their own fault.

We've said and proved it time and time again. People are stupid. And they'll react on emotions and seek the approval of others, constantly. That's how you get women who don't know they can orgasm or never get their pussy ate or what have you, because they're so busy trying to get their dude off and keep him satisfied.

Drizzle: Okokok, I get that. I do--

Speed: But--

Drizzle: But, with my sex question, I'm saying that I, me, Drizzle, Captain PUSSY DESTROYER!, have no problem asking a woman to suck my dick. 

Speed: To backtrack a bit, you probably tell the woman "hey, I'm about to bust" and she'll let you know what she's comfortable with doing.

Drizzle: But, women? They get all embarrassed.

Speed: They get embarrassed because dick sucking is, still, somewhat associated with porn and shit. Especially the money shot.

Drizzle: Well, I was just using that as an easy example. Real talk, most chicks like some "freaky" shit that they're afraid to ask for. Even though, in my experience, they all've wanted it.

Speed: Agreed. But, you can't just, oh, I don't know, put it in their butt. So, you've gotta figure out the proper way to bring that up and have her say yes. Or else, without permission, you're looking at, y'know, the big R. And no one wants "rapist" associated with them--

Drizzle: Well that's a different beast, anal. Gotta build her up to that. Ok, but I'm talking, for instance, ass slapping. In my travels, I've come across one woman who didn't like ass slapping. And most? They were obviously embarrassed to ask.

Speed: It comes back to our Puritanical views on sex.

Drizzle: Go on...

Speed: There are women who want to do some wild shit--and even some not-so-wild shit. But, it's ingrained in both sexes that sex should be more for procreation than just recreation. Missionary is seen as the main position. But, give a woman some good backshots, and she's your's. Sorry if that sounds sexist. But, in my experience? A woman has to be able to let herself go in the moment.

She can't just be all "ok, this is something I need to do to have kids/relieve my partner." And, men, in some ways as well. We're sometimes afraid to ask our SO's to do certain things because certain things aren't viewed as manly or natural. Now, I'm not saying that every guy has a secret strap-on fetish. However, for instance, I love when a woman I'm with uses a bullet or a vibe on her clit while I'm inside of her. That's not typically seen to be "normal" to some--

Drizzle: You view it as procreation. I just like to fuck (laughs). Guess that's why I don't give a fuck about "social standards." I mean, the worst she can say is "no."

Speed: I enjoy fucking as well. That's how I ended up procreating!

It was at this point Speed and Drizzle took a break, only to reconvene later. The following is, technically, volume nine of PA.

Drizzle: But, you procreated for other reasons. And, actually, the worst she can say is "I can't believe you asked that," then storm out. Then? I ain't want her no way.

Speed: Pretty much. And I procreated out of love and shit. I wasn't just dumping off raw from the giddy up in every pussy I went up in.

Drizzle: (Laughs) So, we also know that Mr. Shameless--me, by the way--had a period of time when I said "If I ain't butt-fucking your ass? Well, you won't get called back."

Speed: We all have. Shit. No pun intended.

Drizzle: Ha! But, too many girls have said to me "I'm too embarrassed to ask." The fuck is up with that?! And I'm not even just talking about anal. I'm talking hair pulling, ass slapping, mild choking--fuck it, I'm talking doggy--

Speed: Doggy? Nah, if she ain't fucking doggy, she's gotta go. She's obviously too young for me in some way--

Drizzle: I'm not saying she ain't doin' it. I'm saying she wanna do it, but she's afraid to ASK for it.

Speed: ...somehow? That's worse.

Drizzle: I know! But, why are they like that?

Speed: Uh...

Drizzle: Like, if you want it? Say so! Think I can read minds?

Speed: Yes, Drizzle. Yes, at times, they do.

(Drizzle shows the following image to Speed)

Drizzle: But, see, I never had no problem sitting here and there and playing the guessing game. But, once again, once a girl shows me the goods on purpose? My shame is all the way on Pluto.

Speed: Yep. Learned that Freshman Year (laughs).

Drizzle: Had to learn about the birds and the bees eventually.

Speed: Oh fuck you (laughs).

Drizzle: We digress. Who told these girls asking to have their ass smacked was bad?

Speed: Jesus? I don't know.

Drizzle: (gives Speed another side-eye). Don't put this on Jesus. Jesus loves you. He made 'em want that sort of stuff. Now, what act of Satan has 'em afraid to as?!

Speed: Um...all of them?

Drizzle: But, alas! We deal with this momentary awkwardness because we know this. If she can't spit it out, what it is, she wants it bad. So...she wants the D.

Speed: The long and short of it. Ugh, so many puns.

Drizzle: I see what you did there. Girls need to realize that niggas are going for most of what women think is "taboo." But, we won't up and leave and be insulted because you asked. I really don't get it--

Speed: True. It isn't the 1600's anymore.

Drizzle: They make us yield all the power--by having us chase them--therefore proving dominance. But, they're scared of applying once they have the dominance.

Speed: Pussy runs the world, but pussy can't control it, if that makes sense. Why? Pussy doesn't, as you said, apply itself for much other than being pussy. I'm not talking women. I'm talking just straight-up pussy. Vagina. Et cetera.

Drizzle: I guess that it's that need to conform to some invisible standard, even when you're in charge. My moms asked me why I don't wear a suit to work. I told her 'cuz I run shit, so I wear what I want. She was baffled. I, on the other hand, was baffled that she was baffled.

I got that "I'm in charge and doing damn good. So fuck you. I do what I want" mentality. I don't need to conform to some standard of greatness to continue being great. Ladies don't need to conform to some standard of "ladiness" to be sexy.

Ladies like that ain't sexy anyway.

Speed: Preach, Brother Drizzle. Preach.

Drizzle: Or...maybe they think asking is inapropros. Like, somehow it implies that we ain't hitting it right. Stop worrying about sparing niggas' feelings. Especially bitch niggas.

Speed: Truth. I mean, I'd rather try some new shit with the chick than do the same shit ad nauseum. I get bored and tired of monotony easily.

Drizzle: Right?

Speed: But, there are some men who are afraid to ask--

Drizzle: Two words. Sack. Up. Shit, it can only be one scary or unimaginative person in a relationship.

Speed: But, what about women who are imaginative?

Drizzle: They get that shit outta books. Or "mommy porn," as I call it.

Speed: There are relationships where the woman is the imaginative one that aren't mommy porn. I've experienced a few

Drizzle: Did they say "take control?"

Speed: Well...most didn't, from what I can recall. So, with that said, let's wrap up this not-safe-for-work--as if any edition is SFW--of #ProfoundAssholes. If we didn't piss you off and have you reevaluate some aspect of your life? Well, we just ain't hittin' it right.

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