PA Volume 12: Eff Your (Origami) Religion

PA (short for "Profound Assholes") is a series on where I have a no-punches-pulled conversation with a friend about a hot-button issue (yay cliches!). That friend is usually none other than Drizzle Sez formerly of, who co-created the PA format (go check out his site. It's still live and still kicks much ass to this day). Today, we continue our discussion on religious zealotry, and explore different types of Christianity, including an up-and-rising take on things: Chaos Christianity.

Drizzle: I'm getting sick and tired of this "God is an abusive husband" mentality. Like, why God gotta be an asshole? I mean, I was fucking this one chick--the type who stopped watching House of Cards because Kevin Spacey spat on a Jesus status, missing the point that he was EVIL. Whenever I said some shit, probably super ignorant because Drizzle sez, she'd get offended. Any mildly religious conversation would go nowhere because she'd get offended I wasn't showing God the "reverence" I was supposed to. 

Now, I read that book. Front to back. And more than once. And this...child, bless her heart, ain't read a full chapter. So, I got no problem saying "God ain't gonna pimp smack me for calling him 'friend' instead of calling him whatever Orthodox Christians say." That went over as well as was expected. So, then, I think "people think of the Most High as an abusive husband. 'All, do as I say or I'll beat you.'" What the fuck? And you choose to worship someone like that? I don't get it.

Speed: Yeah...I don't know. I always want to look at God as a friend. A deity who could end my life if they so chose to do so, yes. But, a friend because I'm given strength by them and they choose to aid me along in my life--not destroy me because I mispronounced their name or referred to them as "friend" versus "my LAWD AND SAVIAAAAAH!"

Drizzle: See? I fucks with that. God always loves you. But, he'll fuck you up if you piss him off. I'm down with it. I mean, how many times have we pissed each other off--

Speed: A lot.

Drizzle: And we still cool. So, are we more level-headed than the Omnipotence of God? There's no logic there. We're human, we're fallible. The Book says that. It's like that friend that's stupid but does no actual damage. When they do stupid shit, you shake your head and laugh--

Speed: On some "oh, you..." type of shit.

Drizzle: But, you don't KILL them!

Speed: Right.

Drizzle: So, this girl. She says God will smite me. No bullshit. I tell her that I don't believe that. So, she says then she won't like me. I'm just like, "'re finna stop fucking me because you don't respect my beliefs?" (shows the following meme)


Speed: Dug.

Drizzle: And planted. People like that are the reason for wars.

Speed: But, she was fucking you outside of marriage. Now, I'll be the first to admit I'm not an expert on the Bible, but I do know a decent deal. With that said...isn't her sin just as smite-worthy? I'm just saying, especially since I hate when people pick and choose. Example: "God hates fags." God "hates" shrimp. But, I'm pretty sure that Fred Phelps and them ate a good portion of shrimp scampi in their weird-ass chuuuuch.

Drizzle: Now, see. That whole "no sex outside of marriage" thing never actually appears in the Book. At all. When you read it front to back, multiple times, in multiple languages, you stop believing the bullshit people say about the Bible.

Speed: Fair.

Drizzle: It's a long list, too. Here are some examples:

  1. Fornication is defined as a sin against the body
  2. virgin is defined as a woman in control of her sexuality
  3. Mary Magdalene was a rich guy's wife, not a prostitute
  4. The turn the other cheek philosophy is just completely bastardized in modern culture
Speed: Well, it's a book which was translated, probably falsely, for centuries. Simply put, I'm, in no fucking way, surprised.

Drizzle: The examples I just listed are written about in exhaustive detail. People just rep the Bible, but never actually read it.

Speed: What do you expect?! It's #TeamJesusOrDie.

Drizzle: (laughs) Jesus was only a "technical pacifist." (Shows the following)

Jesus won't kill you. But...he'll fuck you the fuck up if you try to do capitalism in his Daddy's house. Praise be to KFAJ. But...I digress. It's always the people who never read their book of power who'll kill for it. People be fucked up like that. So, why? Why dedicate yourself to words if you don't know them?

Speed: Hmmm...blind faith? Familial bullshit? Perhaps Conservative Jesus loves when you pledge allegiance to something you don't know anything about from a fucking hole in the crack of the earth's asshole?

Drizzle: Anime Jesus is cool, too. But, digression! How many wars would be prevented if motherfuckers stopped watching the movie and read the book?

Speed: Uh...(shows the following gif)

Drizzle: Ok, Vegeta.

Speed: I mean, you did say "Anime Jesus." I'm allowed that one.

Drizzle: Fair. Anime Jesus is "pain and suffering" Jesus and all his priests are gunslingers and the nuns are hot. 

Speed: Argh. I feel like I know a good example for this. I would say Needless, but Adam is more pervy, possibly pedophile priest. So--

Drizzle: Trigun, Trinity Blood, Rosario + Vampire, etc.

Speed: Trinity Blood. That's the one I was looking for. Also, Trigun. Man, that's a great show. But DIGRESSION!

Drizzle: In case you need more examples, just look it up on TV Tropes under "Anime Catholicism." With that said, which Jesus(es) do you roll with?

Speed: (said as if ordering fast food) Can I get a Kung Fu Action Jesus with a side of Anime Jesus and just a dash of Black Jesus. Just...anything but Conversative.

Drizzle: I feel that. Why?

Speed: Well, KFAJ because he'll guide me, but will still kick my ass if need be. But, it won't be his first resort. Anime Jesus gets a vote because of the fact that, yes, there are guns and hot-ass hoo-ers and the like. But, they're all a last resort. Plus, if you can summon demons while still fighting fo' da LAWD?! Win. And Black Jesus because...why the fuck not?!

Drizzle: I feel that, too. I'm more a fan of Chaos Jesus.

Speed: Meaning...

Drizzle: "I came to beat down Satan and save souls--and all the souls are saved."

Drizzle: Chaos Jesus: "if you need to oppress people to maintain order, then give me CHAOS!" Chaos Christianity is actually taking off. Mostly tree-huggin' moderliberals. But...taking off nonetheless. Because it's a lot of people like me. They're actually reaching the Book instead of listening to some fancy-dressin' preacherman. Obviously, we all take something different from it, so we're more able to accept other people's beliefs. Unless, of course, they're based in falsehoods. 

One thing that's consistent, though, is that we don't like Origami Religion. That is, we don't like how people use different verses to say what they want. Some of us, me included, believe the "verse" system should have never existed in the first place. So, obviously, I'm tolerent. 

But...when you come at me off-brand, or off-fleek, or whatever the fuck the kids are saying these days, I'll school you. My dick is long. My money's strong. I can't be that wrong because...

And...mic drop.

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