PA Volume 11: Kung Fu Action Jesus

PA (short for "Profound Assholes") is a series on where I have a no-punches-pulled conversation with a friend about a hot-button issue (yay cliches!). That friend is usually none other than Drizzle Sez formerly of, who co-created the PA format (go check out his site. It's still live and still kicks much ass to this day). Today, after our discussion on video games, Drizzle and I started talking religion, specifically Christian zealotry.

Drizzle: Soooo...

Speed: Yes?

Drizzle: So, I'm sitting in my office in a t-shirt because I run shit and I can do that. At least the t-shirt has the company logo on it. I digress, though. Anyway, this plebeian in a suit decides he wants to give me a lecture on morality. All hyper-religious and shit. At which point I think to myself that "Kung Fu Action Jesus" is more accurate than Conservative Jesus.

Speed: Explain--

Drizzle: I'm not done. But, I shall. Conservative Jesus is a gun-toting, Healthcare-hating, tax-abolishing, poor-stepping-over, Muslim-killing Reagan lover.

Speed: So, George Bush, then?

Drizzle: Ha! It goes against the anti-sword, healing the sick, pay your tithes, feed the poor, all men are brothers, anti-anti-666 Reagan. Whereas KFAJ is summed up as (shows Speed the following meme)

Which is more accurate. God is without sin and he'll kick your ass in hell. But, digression again. So, the plebeian, he goes on to say how it makes him sooooo angry when people say "XYZ." And considering our last discussion, I thought: why are religious zealots always fuckin' miserable? I have many theories. What's your opinion.

Speed: Well, I think they think they're the only ones who are right, every time, all the time. Therefore, when they're proven even the slightest bit wrong, they're sent into a rage-fueled tizzy--tizzy is such a funny word--where they flame any and everyone who doesn't believe what they believe. Either that or, ya know, lack of pleasure in life because they're restraining themselves to the point of torture for so long.

Drizzle: I agree on both counts. I will call it "jealousy." Or stupidity. Not sure which. Why they all up in my biznazz?! Why can't they respect the fact that I can't be caring about your bullshit, Rush Limbaugh Jesus? Oh, there's gotta be a meme for that (goes to phone and pulls up the following).

I'll just go with this.

Speed: (Laughs) He'd also probably keep the fish and bread for himself.

Drizzle: Right.

Speed: Either that or fashion them to be a gun of some sort to (in stereotypical redneck voice) kill all the mooze-lams and the blacks.

Drizzle: Yeah...But, seriously. It's always the religious zealots who are mean-spirited assholes. No one is forcing you to watch me fornicate and drink. Why you upset?

Speed: Maybe it's because they fear your drinking and fucking will make them sinners by association. Or, at least, more sinful by association. They do say that that sort of thing passes through the air, the SIN bug.

Drizzle: And I say my dick is made of lightning and it makes women cum thunder. Once again, you ain't gotta watch.

Speed: It's the perversion that draws people in to a degree. I guess.

Drizzle: It's true, though.

Speed: Quite. Tell me, Drizzle. How many women have you been with who've been really religious-types to a degree who've thought they could "save" you? And once they knew and/or found out they couldn't, how many of them stayed just off the strength of the "perversion" or the fact that they think somewhere, deep down inside, there's a non-drinking, non-fornicating Drizzle who blah, blah, fucking blah?

Drizzle: Hmmm. A lot. But I always dipped on conviction that my interpretation and your interpretation of The Bible is different. On the off chance that their oppressive asses are right, I'm not gonna be the "False Sheppard" who leads you away from the flock. So...I'd rather bone someone else that fuck with someone's convictions.

Speed: Similar conviction boning for the win. I don't care, at times. I mean, if you're wild enough to be with me in the first place, you know DAMN well what you're getting into...

Drizzle: Right? But, I still, to this day, have girls from my past chasing me and saying shit.

Speed: Ditto. Ah wellp.

Drizzle: dense. I actually find religious conviction kinda stupid. And I'm no atheist. Like, you're literally telling me what God wants and He wrote only ten sentences in the Bible--allegedly. I think it's because that crowd generally doesn't realize that shit that goes on outside their house, their bubble, ain't none of their business.

Speed: Perhaps. But, again, that kind of goes back to the "sinful by association" thing. Even if it doesn't directly involve them, at all, in any friggin' way...because it's shit which is, in their eyes, considered sinful, they're quick to cast stones. They're quick to say "hey there, neighboreenos! Got some time to talk about me saving your soul through the power of Christ today?"

Drizzle: That shit leaks into public policy, though. Idiots with big mouths rule the world.

Speed: Yep. Usually incredibly religiously-inclined idiots with big mouths.

Drizzle: Then, throw in Conservative Jesus and we've got a party of idiots fightin' for the Lawd! And it's easier for them to mobilize masses against something instead of for something because the masses believe nothing is wrong until someone tries to take it away from them.

Speed: True. Look at Donald Trump.

Drizzle: Well...he just shows the asshole of "Amerikkka," which is a different story.

Speed: But, it's similar because he's been able to mobilize and capitalize on a specific group.

Drizzle: No argument there. But, he never claimed religious piety.

Speed: That's because he's his own God, which is another monster entirely. Yeesh. We're kind of a fucked-up society.

Drizzle: Meh. But, look at 'em. They're all so angry. And here I am. Religious minus zealotry. Enjoy your God and all that. And I'm pretty happy. I'm not a hypocrite. Because these same people that wanna be all in your business when it doesn't have anything to do with them? They'll turn a blind eye to brown people dying by the hundreds globally because "it doesn't have anything to do with them."


The same motherfuckers who say "every man for himself" economically, the same shitheads who say poor people are poor because it's their fault, same fuckheads who say they ain't helpin' no one. They wanna be up in my morality and they think they've any sway?! Fuck. Outta. Here. So, praise be to Kung Fu Action Jesus.

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