So, in cleaning out my musical closet (no Marshall) over the past couple weeks in preparation to complete Death of the King, I came across "Heartbreaker." Yes, the song that
"What if this wasn't really about Dezeray at all?"
|Taken from the Soundcloud re-release of the song|
I began asking around to some relatively close friends who knew me better than I knew myself sometimes. The main question was this: "am I really the heartbreaker?" One of them, who will remain nameless, she hit me with something I'd never really thought of. In addition to being known as "Heartbreak Jay" to some, she broke down the song even more. Even though, on the surface, "Heartbreaker" was about this whole clusterfuck of a situation with Dezeray, it was more so a projection of my own feelings. These feelings were placed onto someone, in a scapegoat-like manner, to escape some of the blame of me being a heartbreaker myself. The "heartbreak" in question, of course, is my failed (but later reconciled) relationship with Raquel that coincided with the release of the song and my first album RAQUEL RELOADED. She mentioned that "regardless of who you loved, who you cared about, even who you had sex with, it'd all be for naught. Because as long as there's a sliver of a chance of a reconciliation between you and Raquel, no one else would ultimately matter."
Essentially, I would be, should I decide to leave Raquel and see even an inkling of emotion towards her (or vice versa) destined to be a heartbreaker of sorts. A person who couldn't love anyone as much as they did me, unless their name was Raquel. This ultimately led to a lot of people falling for me, because of my nature, and ultimately hating me (because of, well, my nature). I'm not saying it's right, but these things happen. True told me something along these lines.
These sorts of things happen especially when you become "bound 2" someone (no Yeezus) and the bond still exists, even with the fuck shit. And it served as a gateway into another reason why I created this Songs For... Trilogy. Yes, it's therapy for me. And yes, I'm writing my story so others can learn from it. I'm even helping to pave a way for fellow "no-fi" connoisseurs. But, in some ways, the first album was meant to be that attempt to see past Raquel, my son's mother. At the end of the first album, my fears and failures eventually attempted to swallow me whole. This, of course, set up the second album, Songs For..., and its story of rebirth and redemption, even reconciliation with Raquel and trying to get things back in order. However, as these things go, the path was quite bumpy (which is spoken on in some ways in Death of the King's early songs).
How will the journey end? Well, it's still being written (and will be until, you know, I legitimately and actually--not just artistically--die). And, honestly, at the end of the Songs For... Trilogy, listeners are left with a bit of hope for the future of both Speed on the Beat the man and SOTB the "character." I can't spoil all the ending. But, there's less of a feeling...heartbreak this time around.
Death of the King releases on Sunday, August 17th.