Sometime in 1996
My father beat me.
|My father in 1942. Yes, he was that|
My childhood toy had become my gateway into adulthood. Granted, I was pretty much the man of my house since he was a weekend dad anyway--and I was the bastard child of his family. But, from that moment on, I knew my life changed. That, even if he and I were to repair our relationship, nothing that he taught me was going to be good and that I would succeed in spite of his attacks.
|This was from May 2006, two years|
before he passed.
I told Raquel when I found out she was pregnant that I didn't want to repeat the mistakes of my
|Jovanni and I, mid-2011|
And then the unhinged moments came. You don't know how low you can go until you wake up after an anxiety-induced blackout with your almost-one-year-old crawling on you, babbling and looking at you with his chubby "chumbawumba" face with all the love in the world. And the only thing you can do is just say "hi, Jovanni" and then pass back out, because it hurts to even breathe at this point.
Upon my decision to leave my home and return home for the better part of 2012, I knew that I risked ruining my relationship with Jovanni even more, because I'd be gone from his life as a regular fixture. But, make no bones about it; I was still involved in his life, even while Raquel and I were going through our situation. We promised to remain cordial, even if we somewhat hated each other, for the sake of Jovanni. This is even after the phone call that's the basis of "Owning Up."
Our relationship got better, as I began to heal myself. But, I still kick myself in the head time and time again because I know that had I actually stood up and became a man before the "devolution" happened, our relationship would be a lot better. Hell, I know I'm one of his favorite people, but even now, he still prefers Raquel do some things with him, because that was what he was used to in my absence. In some ways, I had become a stranger in my own son's life because of my decisions. So, since we've reconciled, all of us, I've been rebuilding relationships. One by one.
I do it for him. Music, I mean. I do it so he can know that his daddy has fucked up, but his daddy is trying to be a better man.
(Part three deals with the moment the "unhinged" Speed became a reality)