SOTB!!! on Spotify

 

Speed ontheBeat Speed ontheBeat Author
Title: If I Were a WWE Writer
Author: Speed ontheBeat
Rating 5 of 5 Des:
(Let's take a break from talking about Songs For  and the new single for just a moment.) Well, I think it'd be a first, because I...
(Let's take a break from talking about Songs For and the new single for just a moment.)

Well, I think it'd be a first, because I'm pretty sure that there aren't any remotely black writers on the team. If there were, we would probably have less buffoonery from the black(ish) wrestlers not named Dwayne Johnson and they'd probably be used less as wrasslin' Zip Coons and more branched out human beings.
Maybe. Then again, it's wrestling. It lives in stereotypes, mostly black and white definitions of who should be cheered/booed/wear a durag/etc.

(Or, in this case, who gets to make rap music)

Anyhow, the first thing I'd do wouldn't be to have John Cena hurled into a heel turn. Sorry, IWC. Like it or not, the guy--from almost everyone over the age of 13 that isn't also a parent--is already disliked as a wrestler (heel), booed when he enters the arena more places than he is cheered (heel), given "What?" chants and the like (heel), and (thanks to WWE Writing) comes out on top in situations where he has no realistic business doing so (kind of heelish). Nor would I group Daniel Bryan, CM Punk, The Shield, and every other ROH/Indie guy into a Paul Heyman-led stable and have them hold every single friggin' title known to man. Even though, to be for real, that'd be kind of awesome--for a match.

No, it'd be a simple fix to the product: less cheese and unrealistic fuckery, more "wrestling." (read: realistic professional wrestling interactions, including promos)

More wrestling also means less
Dwayne. Sorry, guys.
For instance, if John Cena shall be "Teh Savior of teh Dubya-Dubya-EffEee" for forevermore, give him more of an edge a la his Ruthless Aggression character--or even an edge such as the promos he cut against The Rock. No human, in their right mind, would smile in the face of danger 9/10 times and scream in its face on the tenth. (Ed. Note: Perhaps a "crazy" Cena character who's still a face, a la DB could be in order? Nah, they won't pull the trigger). Let's have the guy--and all faces for that matter that aren't CM Punk, DB, etc.--take his challenger seriously. In real life (or even the indies), Cena probably would've snapped and teed off on Ryback before their "lumberjack brawl" pre-Payback. Instead, we have Ryback yelling and bitching, and Cena saying "SHUT UP!" in his "angry voice." Then two seconds later, he's back to poop jokes and pandering to the crowd. What type of shit is that?

For the GAWD of the IWC, Straight Edge Savior the second biggest full-time name right now, CM Punk, have him go through the newbie, then face off against Lesnar. Sure, "demoting" him to matches with Curtis Axel seems a bit off, but storyline-wise it could make sense. The young pup has something to prove. Heyman's in a vulnerable state. He needs people to assure their allegiance to him. Have Axel and Punk mix it up from now until MITB, then have Lesnar and Punk at Summerslam. That gives time for Ziggler/ADR to sort itself out, gives times for WWE to build Lesnar up again, etc. (Ed. Note: from a financial stance, Punk/Lesnar at MITB makes sense because it's a second-tier PPV and it needs the boost. From a storyline stance, it could have waited until SS. But, that's just me.) I mean, if Punk is indeed a tweener, we have time to make this less about heel versus face and more personal.

(Besides, Punk sold the F5 like a champ. Let's build it up and make it cray-cray. #NShit)

Finally, a list:
Let us stop with all the skits.
Let's can the "hey, let's kick out of 300000 finishers, put our power levels over 9000, and do it three more times for ten minutes" buffoonery.
Let the Divas actually wrestle (because if we're not going back to bras and panties matches and Extreme Rules women's matches and the like...let's have them do something besides arm candy/bathroom breaks).
Let's get rid of JTG, Khali, Zack Ryder, etc. They've overstayed their welcome/have served their purpose. Unless all the jobbers are going to be entered into a "fight for your life/a spot in MITB" battle royale or something, it's kind of sad to watch at this point.
Let those "jobbers" go to the indies, TNA, ROH--somewhere that they could either get the chance to shine that they deserve or just fade into obscurity, again.
Let's stop relying on past stars.
Let's get a little edgy. People tapping out on AJ's ass (win), brutal matches, and more adult themes/topics is a start. Let's not go full-tilt with that either way.

Now, for the fans:
Let's stop praising Paige and Bray Wyatt before they actually debut and perform with the main roster.
Let's stop relying on past stars.
Let's stop thinking that just because a guy's indie, they're going to be epic in WWE.
Let's stop clamoring for a Cena heel turn.
Let's stop thinking that everyone that WWE pushes, besides our favorites, is undeserving of it.
Let's stop with the HHH burial jokes. Or at least, let's chill on them a bit.
No mas quad jokes.
Let the Attitude Era go. It's over. And, let's be honest--some of the AE wrestling wasn't all that good. I personally prefer late AE/Ruthless Aggression to "the golden days of the Attitude Era."

Post a Comment

 
Top