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Johnthan Speed Johnthan Speed Author
Title: How to REALLY Diss Drake (A Parody)
Author: Johnthan Speed
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(This is a parody of the CB/Drake beef of 2012; the thoughts expressed in this post are parody in nature and do not express the t...
(This is a parody of the CB/Drake beef of 2012; the thoughts expressed in this post are parody in nature and do not express the true viewpoints of Speed on the Beat. Just had to throw that disclaimer in there to keep my ass safe LOL)

To Christopher Maurice Brown:

Mr. Brown,

It has come to my attention that Aubrey Drake Graham now falls under the growing list of "shit [you] don't like," right under Good Morning America, but probably right before CM Punk and that country artist that wanted to shoot you or something for being an abusive son-of-a-bitch. Now, listening back to your most recent assertion of why you don't care much for Mister Graham, I noticed that it was, to put it lightly, lacking in the actual "oomph" department. I guess one can only expect but so much from an artist that stole the worst part of Meek Mill's approach to music. who doesn't "rap" as a full-time gig. But, even still, Mr. Brown, even someone of your I-have-something-to-prove-so-I-take-cock-shots-and-say-they're-"for-the-ladies"-when-I-post-them-via-Twitpic caliber status should have been able to drop a more intense "diss," especially against a man that, as Big Ghostfase once said, "[could probably] pollinate a flower wit his fuckin' breath."
With that said, I am volunteering my services to assist you in ending the monstrosity known as Drizzy once and for all. In return, I only ask that you stop making music and end your existence, you Golden Lords-looking, overly tattooed fuck, as well. Let us begin, shall we.

Again, the glaring fail of your verse was that the only true "diss" was the eyebrow/YOLO couplet. Instead of focusing on obvious facial deformities such as having eyebrows two times the size of those appearing on the face of Anthony Davis, might I suggest some of the following:

1) Reference the above GIF image and his time on Degrassi: The Next Generation. I mean, it's worked for just about every artist that has battled Drakkard Noir before. I think.

2) Reference the fact that his fans are mostly women, just as Can-i-Bus did regarding LL Cool J. I mean, so are yours, so it's a fair fight. But, I don't think I've seen many "Breezy" fans do this:
Dumbass.
3) Reference the fact that he just looks plain goofy most of, if not all, the time. Example:
Too many cups of the Rozay, Mr. Drake Rogers?
4) You could always go 1990s on him and call him gay. Those disses still work, right?
Although, he does seem to be enjoying this a bit too much. Gay, maybe not. Weird as hell? In the now-immortal words of Daniel Bryan, taken from When Harry Met Sally, but used in a non-feigned-orgasmic way, "YES! YES! YES!"
5) THIS:
If all else fails, just hire Andy Samberg to go all Chronic(WHAT?!)cles of Narnia his ass.
6) Also, THIS:

And, if you put all the aforementioned fails into a verse, throw in a couple more shots at his manhood, say that you "fucked his bitch" a couple times (Rihanna or otherwise, it doesn't really matter), and talk about how he's softer than a newborn baby's bowel movement, you will probably win this "battle" with Aubrey. This would, of course, avoid having to "take it to the streets," where one of you will probably end up catching a body like that being someone's chewtoy in prison--and that's not just in that horrible, cliched, prison rape-type of way, either.


Sincerly,

Mister Speed on the Beat.

PS: Does Ms. Fenty really have, for the lack of a better term, "that good good?" I mean, shit, all of you lame fucks are fighting/dissing/throwing bottles over a vagina that has probably seen more visitors than Graham Grand Central Station. Ew.

(Again, this post is strictly parody. Don't take it seriously)

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