Five Reasons Why We Can't Have Sex: National HIV Testing Day Edition

(Ed. Note: This segment originally went by a more ribald name, but, due to pressure from "advertisers," Mr. SoTB decided to go for a slightly more family-friendly approach.)

Here are some reasons why we could never have any type of sex, including a handjob.

1) You don't know your status. Seriously, people. It's 2012. Just because Magic is still alive doesn't give you the right to go and screw any--and everything--out here and not know whether or not you're packing "The Virus."

2) You want me to do it raw the first time we have sex (without the proper protections). I, recently, talked to this one girl who I considered "smashing." That was, of course, before she told me that she enjoys having multiple ejaculations inside of her, loves wearing butt plugs for hours at a time, and so on. Seriously, that shit is pretty gross. No one, and I repeat, no one, will get my baby juice unless I'm in a committed relationship, and I know she's not carrying any sort of nasty bug.

3) You want me to impregnate you.. This goes back to number three. OK, first, I already have a son. An adorable little munchkin, too, might I add. I don't plan to be the hip-hop version of Terrell Owens. This goes back to #2 and #1. Unless we've been together for a while, I have no plans of being anyone else's father, especially through a random person.

4) Your lady parts possess a fragrance that kills stinkbugs.

5) If you don't know your status on STDs, period. I would've said "if you're on PornHub," but that's unfair. Because I'd probably try to smash Pinky back in the day.

Sidenote: Pinky, as a rapper, isn't as complete ass--no pun intended--as I would've expected. Considering we have porno-rappers such as...

But, in all seriousness, wrap it up. Know your status. Don't sow your oats everywhere. Et cetera.

This has been a halfway-serious PSA from Speed on the Beat.

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